


Blasphemer's Requiem

by AburameQueen3, blue_whalen



Category: Naruto
Genre: BDSM, Blasphemy, Domesticity, Fixing the sad parts in cannon, Fluff and Smut, God/Religion Kink, Gratuitous Gore (again because Hidan), Hidan is sweet but psycho, Humor, Idiots in Love, Kakuzu is a mush under the grump, M/M, Porn With Plot, Ritual Sacrifice (I mean it's Hidan), sweet bois
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:28:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 30,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27217924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AburameQueen3/pseuds/AburameQueen3, https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_whalen/pseuds/blue_whalen
Summary: Hidan’s god seemed like the center of his universe. It had always irritated Kakuzu. Hidan’s religion had always slowed them down. He had to stop to pray several times a day, as well as regularly perform various sacrificial and non-sacrificial rituals for his god. Not only that, it grew incredibly tiresome to be nagged about Jashinism and how much of a ‘heathen’ and ‘blasphemer’ he was on repeat. Now, in addition to those same reasons, there was jealousy. There was no reason some aloof ‘god’ who may or may not be real should be the most important man in Hidan’s life, not after he’d made that commitment to Kakuzu. Kakuzu began plotting to overthrow Jashin’s reign, and become Hidan's true god.This story comes equipped with sinfully blasphemous smut and fluff, but you've got to work through plot to get there! ;) Major plot summary: After the disastrous sacrifice of Asuma, Hidan must repent for his sins and reverse the clock in ways only the most devout of Jashinists could.
Relationships: Hidan/Kakuzu (Naruto)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 62
Collections: KakuHida Week





	1. Partner-versary

**Author's Note:**

> Greetings, Jashinists and heathens alike! I hope you enjoy this remedying of painful points in cannon, as well as the romantic buildup and eventual rewarding sin. We all know Kakuzu and Hidan deserved better, now it's time to give it to them! This is my first written fanfiction, and about two weeks of writing went into it. For those of you thirsty heathens only here for the delicious smut, you may wish to skip to the final chapter. Otherwise, sit back and enjoy the ride! ^_^
> 
> Many thanks to @blue_misery for editing, being the voice of Shikamaru, and pushing me onward!

Hidan awoke to the feeling of metal tendrils sliding across his cheek. It felt like being caressed by a tired octopus. As his eyelids fluttered open, he flashed a groggy grin at his partner in crime standing over him. “D’you always need to wake me up in a creepy way, Kuzu?” 

Kakuzu’s expression hardened in a light-hearted glare. “I’ll be sure to lash you awake next time. Get up.” 

The silver-haired man laughed, sitting up. “Aww, don’t tell me I hurt your feelings, you know I like your creepy! It’s one of our things, you know? Being zombie freaks is kinda half of our charm.” He paused for a moment, thinking. “Hey, Kakuzu! Know what today is?” 

Kakuzu shoved Hidan’s bag in the Jashinist’s hands, clearly emphasizing a demand that he hurry it up. They had things to do and he would be damned if Hidan’s slow morning wake up was going to make him late. “Yes, today is the day we catch the cash cow we’ve been tracking for the last three days. Time is money, so let’s go. We might miss him if you lag too long.” 

He sighed, rolling out of bed and collecting his few scattered belongings from the hotel room. This hotel truly was a dump, but he took a small amount of joy in seeing Kakuzu still stuff the tiny soaps in his bag. Some things never change. “Yeah, yeah... well look, that’s not the only thing that today represents. It’s our anniversary, remember? Our partner-versary! Today marks the third year we’ve been the zombie combie.”

Kakuzu hummed softly. “Yes, I remember. I actually brought you something to commemorate. You'd best be thankful I wasted money on you.” The old man said in an attempt to be intimidating. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small cloth-wrapped item. He delicately unwrapped it and produced a single fresh bean sprout and offered it forth. He said nothing, but his avoidance of eye contact was all Hidan needed to see to know how much this gesture truly meant.

Hidan grinned brightly and delicately took the bean sprout, having learned recently that this was the frugal shinobi’s version of gifting him flowers. “Thanks, Kuzu. You’re real sweet, know that?” He tucked the light green sprout behind his ear for safekeeping. He’d have to use a preservation jutsu on it later.

Kakuzu cleared his throat softly, still somewhat shy when it came to showing affection in their recently established romantic relationship. Not that he would ever admit to that, as his partner achieved far too much satisfaction in this bashfulness. He tugged down the mask covering his nose and mouth, and quickly kissed Hidan before pulling the cloth back up. “Are you ready to go?” 

Hidan flashed one of his signature shit-eating grins. “Oh baby, I’m always ready for you~!” He winked and received a small slap to the shoulder before continuing. ”C’mon, let’s go hunt. But for the love of Jashin, food first! I’m fuckin’ starving here.” He draped his Akatsuki robe partly on and slung his triple-bladed scythe over his shoulder as he walked to the door. 

Kakuzu slowly shook his head at his partner’s antics and took the lead once they were out the door. He would never truly get used to Hidan’s strange personality, but he found himself coming to love it.

———- 

As the sacrificial pike penetrated Hidan’s sternum and straight through his heart, he slowly collapsed in his blood-drawn circle. As far as he knew, he had more experience than anyone in dying, with hundreds of ritual sacrifices on his record. As such, he fell with grace, first down to his knees and then slowly to his back. As he lay splayed out in the moments before death, he felt the intoxicating thrill that came with the Death Possession ritual. The agony, in its purified form, was absolutely exquisite. As always, he was overwhelmed with gratitude for his beloved Lord Jashin for granting him the immortality needed to sacrifice endlessly. 

“Praise Jashin...” With that last strained breath, his body gave in to the temporary release of death. The death was always his favorite part of a ritual, as the sacrifice allowed him to see Jashin for a precious few seconds before life returned to his regenerated body. 

Kakuzu had allowed Hidan to take the kill, of course. So long as he got the bounty, he didn’t care how the cash cow died. Less work for him. And it certainly didn’t hurt that these rituals rendered Hidan even more mesmerizing to watch. The way the deep red contrasted against the ivory skeletal patterns on his skin, the manic cackling that was strikingly feral, the blood-lust in those lilac eyes... not just blood-lust, Kakuzu imagined. The priest seemed to take a semi-carnal pleasure in these rituals, although he wasn’t always as easy to read as it seemed. ‘Angel of massacre.’ Kakuzu thought to himself, only to immediately be a bit embarrassed by his own brain. He was several decades too old to be swooning like a teenager. 

Still, he allowed himself a few ‘sinful’ thoughts. He imagined Hidan saying his name like the priest said Jashin’s name, in that soft moaning whisper that came at the end of a ritual. It wasn’t as though Hidan had never moaned his name before, far from it. Ever since Hidan had managed to finally break down Kakuzu’s defensive walls, he was very physically demanding on top of the usual attention demands, and Kakuzu took every opportunity he reasonably could to reduce the other man to a quivering mess. The few moments of blessed silence along with that mind-blown look Hidan wore were more than worth the exhaustion. 

Still, there was something different about the way Hidan said Jashin’s name. He felt the familiar twisting irritation that came with jealousy. It felt like itchy, stabbing cactus needles digging into his flesh. He wanted Hidan to care for him more than some God he doesn't even get to spend that much time with. After all, Kakuzu was his lover, not Jashin. Kakuzu began to plot his overthrow of God. He was determined to prove himself more sacred.

As Hidan drew in the first breath of his new life deep into his lungs, he lay still for a few moments, blinking slowly as he recovered. He grasped tightly onto the pike still embedded in his chest, and in one fluid motion ripped it out from flesh and bone. He let the well-used weapon roll idly to his side, before clutching instead to his Jashinist necklace, pressing it close to his lips as he uttered his concluding prayers. 

The process of praying generally took Hidan between five and ten minutes, and when Kakuzu was in a good mood he didn’t interrupt. Seeing as his gifted bean sprout remained carefully undamaged tucked behind Hidan’s ear, and considering the bounty kill had been a relatively easy one, Kakuzu’s mood was still doing rather well for itself, but he still itched to yank Hidan away from his God. He managed to fight down that desire, but it was still quite prominent.

As Hidan awoke, Kakuzu averted his eyes instead to the finance magazine he had brought along. Despite his knowledge of Hidan’s immortality, he couldn’t help the slightest bit of anxiety these days when he saw him die. Ever since Shikamaru had hunted them down, he had realized how fleeting immortality could really be. When all five of his hearts were destroyed that day, he had died in a sense, but the curse of the Earth Grudge Fear jutsu left him in a strange limbo with one foot in and one foot out of the afterlife. Although not quite right, there was a surprising sense of peace about it. Death felt like the best nap, the kind that left you unsure of what time it was. The headache was the downside.

Each time he thought of Hidan’s version of death, he felt a stab of concern. Hidan’s situation was entirely the opposite of his peaceful rest. He had been exploded to pieces, thrown into a deep pit, and buried alive under tons of rock and dirt. It hurt all the more when he remembered Hidan’s crippling fear of the dark when he was alone. The agony must have been unbearable, and he still saw a distant look of suffering tainting those lovely eyes when the Jashinist thought back to the time. He just wanted to wrap Hidan up in his arms and tell him that he would protect him, though he knew he couldn't promise anything.


	2. The Great Escape

—Three months previously—-

Dark. It was so terrifyingly dark like he was trapped in a void no light could enter. Hidan couldn’t move in the crushing straitjacket of earth and stone. He couldn’t even scream or cry, there was no air to breathe in this prison. In desperate attempts to gasp and see, his mouth, nose, and eyes had been caked with dirt, causing even more pain and terror. The dirt tried to enter every orifice of his body with the slightest of movements.

The sensation was a cocktail of physical and mental torment. There was a dreadful panic at having no control, and his only physical feelings were varieties of pain. His whole body felt naturally lethal levels of crushing, his scattered body parts felt as though they were actively being stabbed in the areas where open flesh was exposed, and his detached lungs burned from lack of oxygen. The longer he stayed, the more the worms and bugs began to eat away at the softer pieces of his detached body. It was absolute agony. Not the pure, sacred agony he sought to give and receive in a ritual. This was the wrong kind of agony, unrewarding and blasphemous. 

He lost track of how many panic attacks he had before he was calm enough to think again. It could have been hours, days, or maybe even weeks. Kakuzu would know what had happened, he would find out where he was and dig him up. He was constantly threatening to kill Hidan, and would often follow through when he lost his temper, but he couldn’t have meant him real harm, right? He always waited for him to return to life after killing him. They had something that Kakuzu never had with the four previous partners he’d killed with his own hands. They had understanding, and a form of friendship. Surely Kakuzu felt the same... but what if he didn’t? What if he’d taken the opportunity to leave him there after he killed the leaf ninja? Could he hate him that much? Hidan didn’t dare let those thoughts linger for long lest he fall deeper into despair. He felt deep down that Kakuzu would come for him when he could. 

As the days dragged on into weeks, the dreadful realization dawned on him that his partner had also been defeated and either captured or killed. After Kakuzu had been captured and tortured by his own village for failing to kill the hokage Hashirama, Hidan knew Kakuzu would never let himself be taken prisoner again. A realization that brought with it immense amounts of added pain. 

He had never told Kakuzu how much he loved him, and that hurt the most. The thought that Kakuzu had died thinking he was still alone and unloved in this world was heartbreaking. His partner deserved to know how kind and special he was, but he didn't. His heart felt as though it had been grabbed and harshly squeezed. But he couldn’t give up. He refused to slowly die in this hellhole.

Somehow, under all the rubble and with depleted energy reserves, Hidan managed to regrow a body from his head; bone and flesh slowly and agonizingly forcing their way between rocks and compacting the soil. The process took months, but despite the immense physical and mental suffering he still knew that his survival was a blessing from Jashin. Once his body was finally restored, it took everything in him to shovel through the tons of rock and soil that had served as his coffin for almost half a year. He thought he remembered which way was up, but the extended period of solitary confinement had largely destroyed his senses and taken its toll on his little remaining sanity. He used his hands and teeth to slowly tear at the walls around him, finally able to regain some form of movement. He honed in on the slightest pressure changes, calculating the best route around large boulders and noting that the crushing sensation gradually dwindled the closer he got to the surface. He had to be careful to avoid burying himself further.

Finally, the day came where his hand burst through to the surface, and he rapidly dragged himself the rest of the way out of the ground with one final struggle. He gasped for air, only to cough harshly when dirt flew into his lungs. As he coughed, he wiped at his eyes and face with trembling hands, gradually regaining his senses. He collapsed on the ground, breathing heavily and staring up at the early morning sky through the trees for the first time in what felt like an eternity. He never thought he would be so thankful to see the sky again. He was free at last.

He wasn't sure how long he laid there, just breathing freely, but his peace was painfully wrenched from him when he felt eyes on him. He shakily sat up onto his knees so he could hunt down the source of the stare. He scoffed when he saw it was just a deer watching him. He felt silly for the uneasy dread that had bubbled up.

The stag huffed threateningly, scuffing his hoof in the leaf litter and brandishing his impressive rack of horns.

Hidan let out an arrogant chuckle and stood, spreading his arms in a returned challenge. “Let’s go, Bambi. I could use some venison and a nice fur coat.” He had seen plenty of mounted stag heads. While he had never interacted with one in the wild, he knew they weren't that tough.

The Nara forest guardian bellowed a war cry and charged, antlers angled down towards the human. He was suddenly joined by a whole herd of deer, charging in choreographed unison.

Hubris gone in an instant, Hidan let out a rather unmanly shriek and bolted the other way. Fuck these deer. 

——-

The morning was quiet, save for the songs of birds and insects in the forests surrounding the Hidden Leaf Village. Shikamaru hadn’t been able to get a decent night of sleep since Asuma’s passing, so he simply gave up and spent his nights up on the roof of his apartment. He was cold as hell, but the cold was at least better than the numbness that had taken over his body the last few months. The pain was better than nothing, or so he told himself.

Another day, slowly rolling by. His only small consolation was that less was expected of him these days. He was being left plenty of time to grieve the loss of his sensei. Before this whole ordeal, he was bothered to go on or consult on missions daily. He was also being badgered to go up to jōnin, which he didn't want at all. He knew it would only be a limited time before Choji showed up here with a home-cooked meal in an attempt to comfort him and make sure he ate something that day. He couldn't remember the last meal he had that wasn't forced by Choji. Even then, he could only manage a few disappointing bites. Choji was so patient, but he hated the look of disappointment and concern when he failed to eat enough.

He was resolved to enjoy the mindless cloud gazing for as long as he could before the daily struggles of existence began again. He felt dead.

A dreadful feeling suddenly overwhelmed his instincts. Something was horribly wrong... something in the Forest of Nara. The guardians were alerting him of the disturbance, and attempting to summon him. Today was stacking up to be such a drag... he rolled off the roof and swiftly made his way to his clan’s secluded patch of forest. Who would be dumb enough to come here?

When he arrived, his first indication of the intruder was the godawful cacophony he was making. Someone was screaming profanities with remarkable volume. Not just someone... he recognized that grating voice. Hidan. The member of the Akatsuki who had personally killed Asuma through his ‘curse.’ Shikamaru felt as though his stomach had dropped through his feet to make a moist smack on the ground. So, he had managed to chew his way out of his trap after all. He had come for his revenge. Shikamaru remembered all too well what the deranged man had said to him as he was being buried alive: 

“I’ll never die... even if you destroy my body, and leave nothing but my head, I’ll escape somehow. And when I do, I’ll find you and bite your throat out!” 

Those words rang clearly in his head. The events of that day were on a fast forwarded replay in his brain. He recalled the blood lust in the Jashinist’s eyes being replaced with genuine fear as his grave was sealed. While Shikamaru had conjured half a dozen death plots for him that had approximately equal likelihoods of working, he had deliberately selected the most painful and terrifying fate of them. It only seemed fitting, after what the monster of a man had put him and his squad through. He wasn’t fully prepared for a rematch with the immortal, but had the element of surprise on his side. As he continued his approach with greater stealth, a new series of plans to victory for each conceivable circumstance rapidly constructed themselves in his head. 

When he reached his opponent, however, the scene before him was oddly... pathetic. And frankly rather amusing, though he knew it was deplorable to think such. Two large stags had the very naked Hidan pinned face-down to the forest floor with their antlers, one impaling him through the shoulders and the other his hips. The does and remaining stags of the herd were taking turns trampling on the exposed areas of his battered torso and clearly broken legs. 

“I’m gonna fucking kill all you shitty pieces of meat! I’ll come back here in the spring and murder your fawns, hear me?! You’ll fucking regret this you venison pieces of shit, I’ll- wait, wait, don’t you fucking dare!” Another loud snarl of pain as a doe bounced her full weight directly onto his spine, then gracefully leapt off.

After watching for a while longer, Shikamaru realized this wasn't going to get any less sad to watch. He had to admit that it was rather funny, but he got bored easily. Throwing all sense of caution to the wind, he dropped down to the ground. 

”You know, threatening animals doesn't usually help you make friends. Haven't you heard that you catch more flies with honey rather than vinegar? Maybe bribing them could help.” He said casually. Today was going to be such a drag.

The deer ceased their trampling, instead watching Shikamaru. The release was only partial, however, as the two stags pinning Hidan kept their antlers thoroughly embedded in him. 

Hidan’s attention was instantly shifted to the newcomer. His gaze was strikingly feral, eyes blown wide and teeth bared. His lower face was covered in his own blood, forced from his mouth and nose at the crushing. “You... you little shit! You’re the one who told them to do this, aren’t you?! I should have known you’d be a pain even now! What the fuck do you want from me? You already got your revenge!”

Shikamaru sighed softly and plugged his ears. ”Dude... Quiet down. You're gonna attract more than just deer. Also, no, I didn't tell them to do this. They just protect the forest however they see fit. They called me to tell me somebody was in our forest. Now that I know who, I guess I'll leave you to it.” He stood up and turned to leave.

As if on cue, the stags simultaneously pulled back, leaving Hidan in a broken lump on the ground. 

He rapidly army crawled further away from the deer, then looked after the retreating figure. “Wait! You’re not gonna try to kill me? And you’re just gonna LEAVE me here with them?! Oh fuck no, I am NOT getting gang banged by deer again! Hey, I’m talkin’ to you!” He shakily stood and started shambling after him like a zombie. One of his legs was still very broken, the splintered shin poking out through the skin, but he continued almost as though nothing was physically wrong. He also clearly had no shame for his nudity. “Hey! I have a lot I need to talk to you about!”

Shikamaru’s brow twitched in irritation. ”Funny, I've got nothing to say to you. Nothing constructive, at least.” He snapped at him. He was definitely not in the mood to relive the last few months of turmoil.

“Well, fuck you too then! Do you think I actually like any part of what happened? Fine, if you don’t wanna talk, just hear me out. I... I can’t kill you. So don’t you go thinking I’ll be trying anything. I don’t know how to explain this to a non-Jashinist, but there was something wrong with my last ritual. Something I was doing was against Jashin’s will... I know that because he made me scar from it.” He pointed to the chip taken out of his left ear from Asuma’s wind blade. “I felt like something was off, but I didn’t know what it was or what it meant at first. But I know what it is now. I got cocky and started sacrificing the wrong kind of person. When in mass slaughter, that’s to be expected. But a ritual, that’s something more pure. It’s meant to be a cleansing of true heathens. If someone isn’t really that much of a heathen, they’re usually not supposed to be sacrificed. I’ve just been going along with Kakuzu and killing whoever he tells me to, and for what? Money. One of the worst impurities out there. I knew it was wrong in a way, but it was better that I kill them and send them in bliss to Lord Jashin’s grace than Kakuzu do it and send them to who knows what kind of inferior afterlife. Divine punishment awaits heathens ignorant to the pain of others. And this time, I was the ignorant one. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend the pain you felt. Not until I lost someone too...” He looked down, pain crossing his features. “For those reasons, I had to be cleansed. And you did that for me. You showed me true agony, and that eventually showed me what is truly holy. I did my time, and then Lord Jashin brought me back to repent for my sins. And I think... I think I might know where to start.”

Shikamaru finally stopped walking and just stared at the ground. He hated this. All his anger had evaporated away and left only heartache and misery. He could feel the tears rolling down his cheeks but refused to acknowledge them. He felt weak.

”So... You killed him for nothing...” He said, voice almost a whisper. He hated how unsteady and damaged he sounded. Where there was once confidence in himself, there was now doubt in its place. He couldn't even save Asuma... How could he ever trust himself to keep his squad safe? He had refused several mission offers, even the easy ones, for fear of losing somebody else. What if it was Choji next?

Now, he stood before Asuma’s murderer again and couldn't even gather enough anger to fight him. He could barely gather the strength to eat, how was he supposed to fight? He just wanted to curl up into a tiny ball and feel Asuma hold him again like he was twelve once more.

Instead, he just wavered in place like a blade of grass and let his tears hit the dirt.

Hidan paused when Shikamaru did, keeping distance between them. He stared at the back of his head, the realization of the pain that still remained in this boy dawning on him. He would have to dwell later on why seeing this brought so much pain to himself. “No... it wasn’t for nothing. If anyone else had killed him, it would have been for nothing. But I know exactly where he is. I know that his time there will have been paradise. And if Lord Jashin will allow it, I can get him back. I really think I can, I’m telling you. I can return him back to life.”

Shikamaru turned to face him, puffy red eyes filled with suspicion but also... Hope. ”You can...? If you're lying to me... I swear to whatever god you hate the most, I’ll find something worse than a hole.” He threatened, but it sounded half-hearted like he was just going through the motions.

Hidan drew closer, driven by an unfamiliar new set of instincts. He reached out slightly but lowered his hand before making contact. “I’m telling you the truth, I promise. You know I’m not the deceptive type, I can’t pull that shit off. Look, there’s a special ritual for revival. It’s called Deathly Dirge. It’s a technique that would qualify as forbidden jutsu if Jashinism was within the realm of ninjutsu. It’s only dug up by the most devout Jashinists, and even of those who know about it, very few have the power levels and know-how to pull it off. Never thought I’d need it, but I’ve studied every ritual there is down to the teeth. I’m fully confident that I can do this. But it’ll take sacrifices, lots of ‘em. Are you willing to sentence seven heathens to death for the return of your sensei? If so, I’m gonna ask you to help me pick them out. We really want the most impure souls possible for optimal function of this ritual.”

Something in Shikamaru hardened, whether that was his resolve or him simply shutting down his painful emotions wasn't clear. But what was clear, was that he finally had a shred of hope again. Maybe he could fix it. ”I’d sacrifice a hundred people to get Asuma back. But I think I know where to start. There's a small town, just outside the leaf, where a lot of scumbags like to hang out. Drug lords, human traffickers, terrorists, you name it. I have an Anbu bingo book, so it should be pretty easy to find the worst.” He finally looked over Hidan and regretted it. ”Uh... Can you fight like that...? You're super naked and gross...”

Hidan looked down at himself, covered in blood and dirt. “Yeah, guess I am pretty gross. But naked ain’t got nothin’ to do with that. I worked hard for this sexy twunk bod. If you think about it, everyone’s naked under their clothes. Bet I just blew your mind there. Anyway, unfortunately, I’m in no state to do this just yet. I’m gonna need lots of food first. Probably enough to feed ten people. I also have another bigger ask, now that I know you’re willing to go through with this. In exchange for Asuma, I need to know where Kakuzu is.” He bit back the emotions that threatened to make his voice waver. “You don’t need to do anything but tell me where to find him, or whatever is left of him. I’ll fulfill my end of the deal first. Does that sound like a fair trade?”

Shikamaru studied him carefully with a harsh gaze. He still didn't trust his words at face value. “You really care about this guy, huh? What is he to you?” He carefully dodged the question, trying to gather more information before trading the info. It was his only card to play, and he wasn't about to hand it over foolishly.

Hidan let out a deep exhale, now looking tired. “I see what you’re doing here. Kakuzu’s also a fan of bargaining.” He refused to use his partner’s name in the past tense. “I don’t have anything else to offer you, kid. Yes, he’s important to me. Very important. He’s one of my only friends, and a close one at that. Knows me better than anyone. I’m not doing this for the Akatsuki, I’m doing this for me and Kakuzu. All I’m asking for is where he is, and I told you I can wait until after I bring back that Asuma guy to get the information. Which kills me, but I’m willing to wait so you know I’m serious about this.”

He studied him a moment longer before nodding. ”Sorry... I just... I can't trust you yet. However... I can tell you that he's intact and in a safe location. You will need my help to get him out of there, however. It's too well secured for you to do on your own. You'd never make it out. But if Asuma is back... I'm willing to commit a little forgery and treason as thanks. It's not like I haven't don't it before.” He shrugged. ”I get bored.”

Relief washed over Hidan’s face. He never had been good at hiding his emotions. “He’s alive? That’s great!” He let out a slightly breathless little laugh. “I mean, of course he’s alive! He’s Kakuzu. I just thought he would have chosen death over capture, but I’m glad the old bastard isn’t as stubborn as I thought. And hey, thanks for your willingness to help. C’mon, let’s do this!” He announced enthusiastically.

Shikamaru cringed. ”Uh... Well... He's actually- Nevermind. Let's just go. I have a bit of food, but we obviously can't take you to a restaurant or store, so you'll have to wait for me to bring more. I live alone, so my apartment is pretty slim pickings, but it's a start.” He started trotting again back towards the leaf village. ”God, I hope Choji doesn't come over...” He mumbled.

“Remember, lots of food! Pants are also optional, if you want me to cover up so bad. Oh, and if you could find wherever they took my scythe, that’d be great. Otherwise, spare weapons will work. Alright, I guess I’ll wait here.” His gaze trailed nervously back to the deer, who were now watching him intently. “Uh, on second thought... I think I’ll just come along with you. I’ll be real sneaky, I promise!” He scuttled after him, all wounds having healed by now. When Shikamaru didn’t shoo him away, simply eyeing him tiredly, he took that as a cue to continue onward. 

Shikamaru led the way back to the village and snuck them past the lookouts. Over many years, he had learned how to make it in and out of this village without being seen. He led them through some back routes, not wanting to flash anyone with his naked guest so early in the morning. When they made it to his apartment, his heart dropped when he saw the lights on. He subtly peeked in the window and scanned the house. He saw a massive food delivery package and a note. Choji had come, but not found him here.

He quickly unlocked the door and led Hidan in. The apartment was a shabby, poorly lit, barely decorated, one bedroom. It was by no means a nice place and showed many of the telltale signs of a young man living alone here. Clothes, weapons, and little games were strewn across every available surface.

Hidan wondered why a sixteen-year-old boy lived all alone as he looked at the dilapidated state of this place, but figured it wasn't the best time to ask. He didn't want to piss off his only lead on Kakuzu.

Shikamaru moved to the counter and read the note. It said, 

‘Hi, Shikamaru!  
I guess you’re busy this morning, I hope you didn’t forget breakfast. I have some family stuff to do until lunch, wish I could have invited you. Sorry I missed you! I’ll be back right after I’m done. In the meantime, this food should hold you over.  
Love, Choji’

Shikamaru couldn’t help but smile at the note. His well-shaped friend really was as sweet as they came. And the food he’d left him supposedly for one day certainly looked like enough to feed ten grown men... that should do well enough to feed Hidan. If he needed more, he could just make a run to the Ichiraku. That place could fill even the biggest appetites.

Hidan glanced over Shikamaru’s shoulder to read the note. He chuckled as he finished reading. “Gay.” 

Shikamaru turned to Hidan, feeling slight irritation at the comment but choosing not to feed into it. ”First order of business, bathroom is down that hall on the left. Take a speedy shower. The faster you clean up, the more time you'll have to eat. Choji will come back around one-ish. We need to be long gone by then.”

Hidan understood the time crunch and made his way to the bathroom while Shikamaru went instead to the bedroom. There was no way he was dealing with this weirdo naked any longer than he had to. He grabbed the stretchiest pair of sweatpants he had, the ones Choji had accidentally gifted him that he refused to give back or acknowledge that he stole. They were really great for sleeping, no other reason.

What else did he need... the scythe. He’d mounted the triple-bladed death tool up on his bedroom room wall, as a macabre trophy. Part of him wanted to keep it, and bring generic weaponry for the overzealous priest. But he knew looking at that scythe brought him little more than suffering and definitely wasn't good for his mental state. He found himself staring at the gaudy weapon late at night when he couldn't sleep, and he really didn't want to dig deep enough to figure out why.

Besides, if a more efficient tool would get him Asuma back, he wouldn’t need a trophy. He ripped the scythe from the wall and went back to the living room. He tossed the scythe onto the couch, conveniently ignoring the new hole it made. He definitely wasn't getting his security deposit back. He settled down and spread out a map of Konohagakure on the table.

When Hidan came out clean and dressed, Shikamaru gestured for him to come over. ”Bring your food, sit, and I’ll explain the plan.”

Hidan visibly perked up at seeing his scarlet scythe. He gave Shikamaru a dutiful nod. “You got it, boss.” He grabbed the food, and flopped next to him on the couch. Although he wouldn’t admit it, he really did prefer it when he had someone telling him what to do. He had a prominent lack of structure in his life otherwise. Even if he often chose not to listen, it was nice having suggestions. Normally, that someone giving the commands was Kakuzu, but he would accept the Nara boy as a temporary replacement. He picked up his scythe and set it in his lap, petting fondly along the flat edges of the blades as though the weapon were some kind of animal. He then proceeded to rapidly shovel food into his mouth, eating like the starved man he was.

Shikamaru gestured towards the map. ”This is the map of Konoha. Just outside the village, through the west gate, is the hellhole we’re looking for. We’ll sneak out, find our victims, easy, and find an abandoned building to perform the ritual. Nobody will bother us here, they won't care enough to risk losing their lives to a crazy cultist ritual.”

”Once we have Asuma, we’ll take him to the hospital. See how the hospital is attached to this big building in the center of the village? That's the Hokage’s building. Which is very convenient for us, because it’s also where Kakuzu is located. Two birds, one stone. I'll disguise you, maybe to look like an Aburame, so we can just walk right up without gathering suspicion. We give Asuma over to be monitored and cared for, then move to phase two.”

He tapped the map. ”This wing of the building is where Kakuzu is. I'll walk you over there, so you look less suspicious, then continue over to the Hokage’s office. Everybody there knows and trusts me, so nobody will bat an eyelash at me going to the Hokage unguarded. But since we will have just brought Asuma in, the Hokage will no doubt be in the hospital trying to help him. Her office will be completely deserted.

”Now, I’ve snuck into the Hokage’s office and swiped restricted documents since I was ten, again I get bored, so that'll be a breeze. I'll take the body dismissal form, forge Tsunade’s signature easily, use her seal to make it more official, and deliver the document to the proper location. Nobody will ever even notice it's a forgery. Child’s play.

”Lastly, I'll join you with Kakuzu. I have a new jutsu that'll make walking his ass out the door look easy. We’ll bring a disguise for him too. We’ll retreat back to the Forest of Nara to wake the big guy up. We won't be able to come back here, since Choji might be here. Seeing you guys would fuck him up. Plus, if we gather any suspicion and somebody decides to tail us, nobody in their right mind would follow us in there. That's it. If we do everything according to the plan, it should go smoothly. Any questions?”

Hidan focused as well as he could while the relief of food partly clouded his mind. There were parts he didn’t understand, like why they would need a form or why Kakuzu would be asleep, but he just nodded along and hoped it looked convincing. “Yeah, one question.” He spoke through a mouthful of food, but swallowed before he continued. “I’ve heard a bit about your Aburame clan. The bug people, yeah? If I’m dressed up as one, does that mean I get to fuckin’ yeet ants at people? That’d be amazing!”

Shikamaru simply stared at Hidan for what felt like ages. He waited for Hidan to laugh and say it was a joke, but as the minutes dragged on, he realized this was no joke. Hidan had actually thought that carrying around and throwing ants at people was a good plan. He let out a long-suffering sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. This day was going to be annoyingly long.

”We could do that. However, the ants would likely grow aggressive rather quickly and begin to bite you, revealing that you weren't in control of them and thus not an Aburame. A regular Aburame reveres their insects and treats them very well, like family. They wouldn't throw the bugs unless they were being attacked. Now, if we do get attacked we'll be in deep shit. In that case, it would be far more effective to use your scythe since the ants would be far too disoriented to bite your enemy before they would harm us. Obviously, if the shinobi had a phobia of ants, they may be stunned long enough to be bitten. But ants are rather small and hard to identify when they are used as a projectile, so the victim likely wouldn't even realize you'd thrown real ants until they begin to bite. So, in conclusion, no. You will not be throwing ants.” His tone was quite exasperated, but he tried very hard to keep his patience.

A slight pout crossed Hidan’s features, but he relented and nodded. “Boy, you really do think through everything. I feel like Kakuzu would appreciate your strategic mind, that’s his sort of thing too. I wonder what it’d be like if we switched minds for a day... might help ya relax a bit, you look a little tense.” He offered him one of the food containers with katsudon. “You should have some of this, it’s really good!”

Shikamaru sighed softly. “Yeah, grief tends to make you tense. I haven't eaten more than a few bites per day, I can't… It just makes me sick. I don't really wanna eat just to throw up again. I can't really sleep either. Maybe an hour or so… I just keep seeing him, feeling him touch me. He keeps trying to tell me he's proud or that it's okay, but that just makes it so much worse because I failed to save him. When I buried you I actually… I saw him. I saw him standing next to me and felt him touch my shoulder. It felt so real… I think I'm losing my mind… And I have no idea why I'm telling you any of this. You don't give a shit.” He looked away to hide how misty his eyes had gotten.

Hidan slowly set the food to the side. Seeing how much this boy had fallen apart, it was almost like they’d been dismembered and buried together. This really was the truest agony… he felt the need to cleanse it somehow, to purify it. But he couldn’t sacrifice him anymore, and was short on other options. Without fully realizing what he was doing, he leaned closer and wrapped his arms around Shikamaru in a surprise hug. Panic struck him when his actions caught up with him, but now that he had committed he had to live with the consequences. He scooted closer to render his position less hunched, and pulled the boy against his chest. “I do give a shit. I’m sorry… and I’m gonna fix this.” 

Shikamaru’s eyes went wide and his body was stiff, staring at a blank part on the wall. He had refused to let most people hug him since the event. only Ino and Choji were granted permission, and even that was allowed sparingly. He absolutely hated the pitying looks from everyone. What right did they have to feel sorry? They didn't know Asuma and they had no right to pity him after his loss. He didn't want it. 

Hidan was different, for reasons he couldn't quite understand. He was there... It was his fault, but it felt like he somehow understood. For this reason, he didn't pull away. He needed to be touched and held, but it opened the door to something he was trying to lock away. Pain. Agony. Worst of all to him, tears. Those simple drops of water that made him feel so weak. He felt the threatening prickle in his eyelids.

”P-please... I... I can't... If I fall apart now, we’ll never get this mission accomplished...” He pleaded softly, but even his voice wanted to cry. It wavered between inaudible to high-pitched squeaking. He was trying so damn hard to hold it together. Despite his warning, he found himself pressing up against Hidan. Seeking comfort in the man who destroyed the only home he had. The man who somehow understood his pain and what he actually needed.

Hidan instinctively pulled Shikamaru closer still when he felt him press into the touch, now pulling him into his lap to cradle him properly. “Hey, it’s gonna be okay. Sometimes you just need to fall apart, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re really strong, know that? It takes way more guts for a shinobi to cry than to hold it in.” He took in a deep breath, then began to sing, a melancholy but oddly soothing sound. 

“Oh darling mine, I feel your pain,  
This wretched world now cloaked in rain.  
And if those fiends should dare return,  
Their beastly skins I’d flay and burn.

Oh the seasons passed and the flowers fell,  
Beneath our wisteria tree.  
How the beauty faded, seemed bound to hell,  
Upon our wisteria tree. 

Oh dearest mine, I feel your fear,  
From this world you’d rather disappear.  
But should one more wretch bring you dread,  
I’d slash his throat and crush his head.

Oh the seasons passed and no flowers still,  
Beneath our wisteria tree.  
How the beauty was lost and our hope felt nill,  
Upon our wisteria tree. 

Oh precious mine, I feel your ache,  
How life may seem one big mistake.  
But should your demons here arrive,  
I’d eviscerate and eat them alive. 

Oh the seasons passed and the flowers grew,  
Beneath our wisteria tree.  
How the beauty returned, never would have knew  
Upon our wisteria tree. 

Oh dearest mine, the future’s bright,  
This wretched world can yield light.  
And should the darkness come to call,  
I’ll be right here to catch your fall. 

Oh the seasons will pass and the flowers be gone,  
Beneath our wisteria tree.  
How the beauty will fade, but will come back strong,  
Upon our wisteria tree...  
Oh, upon our wisteria tree.”

Shikamaru folded his limbs up and nestled tighter into Hidan’s chest. He couldn’t find the words to explain why, but he felt safe. He hated that he felt like such a coward. Such a failure. He knew he was the only one who thought that, but he couldn’t make it stop. The first, and last, time he truly let himself feel everything and let it all out was after a game of Shogi with his father. He told him to let it all out, and he had, but if just kept coming back.

Right now, he chose not to fight. He chose to let himself be comforted in a way he had never allowed in the past. He was never the hold and cry sort, but maybe he should have been. Maybe that was exactly what he’d needed.

Shikamaru loved his father dearly, but they were too alike. Neither of them knew how to really open up or tell each other how they felt. Because of this, Shikamaru had dealt with all of his problems alone, even as a child. He didn't reach out when he needed help and comfort. He trusted his mind to get him through everything. But this wasn't a problem he could outsmart. He had no tools to deal with emotional trauma. So he pushed it down. He hid it away until he couldn't anymore.

His pain was eating him alive.

“I’m sorry… I'm so sorry…” He whispered as the tears came freely. He wanted to scream and yell, but his voice failed him, falling away right when he needed it most. “New deal… If you can't bring him back… I want you to send me to him… Got it?” He said softly, almost pleading in the dark. 

Hidan’s heart sank at those words. ‘Kill thy neighbor. Slaughter. Purify agony.’ The Jashinist teachings ran through his head, now in direct conflict with what he felt and wanted. But he was a man of faith, and voluntary sacrifices were the purest of all. He couldn’t in good faith refuse, despite his former vow to do no harm to the one who had cleansed him. There had to be a way around this… the only people to whom the cardinal rule of ‘thou shalt kill thy neighbor’ did not apply, were fellow Jashinists and family. Shikamaru clearly had no interest in converting, but family, that might just work. He petted through his hair softly as he spoke. “I won’t fail this, it’s personal now. You’ll only die when I say you can die, got that? You’re my kid now.” 

Shikamaru let out a wracking sob and clutched tighter to Hidan. He nodded his answer and knew then just how much he needed somebody to be close. He was oddly relieved to hear that Hidan didn't actually answer his request. He thought that was what he wanted, but now he wasn't so sure.

The two of them stayed confined there for what felt like ages to Shikamaru. His mind was blessedly blank. Free of turmoil and strife for a small amount of time. However, as his senses gradually came back to him, he began to feel awkward again. He very carefully pulled away from the embrace he had been pulled into.

“If you don't start this now, we will miss our window. Or get caught by my friend Choji. We need to go.” he mumbled quietly.

Hidan loosened his grip, allowing him to pull away. “Yeah… you’re right.” He gave him one last little pet to the head, before grabbing his scythe and standing up. “Let’s hunt us some heathens!” 

Shikamaru took a quick moment to prep. He grabbed some extra weapons and the items needed to disguise Hidan and Kakuzu, then they were off.

The town was just as dilapidated as Shikamaru had described. It had quite a spattering of buildings that were actively falling apart and filthy people who didn't look to want a chat. Many of the buildings were collection offices or vendors of illegal merchandise. The vendors and customers eyed the newcomers with suspicion, and simultaneously attempted to discern whether or not they were easy targets.

Shikamaru looked to Hidan. “Everyone here is pretty terrible. But you said you needed the absolute worst, yeah? I've got a bingo book we could use.” Shikamaru held it out towards him.

Hidan scowled down the other vagrants, emanating complete and wholesome ‘don’t fuck with me’ energy. He had been to enough places like this to know how to contort his pretty face into a repellent. “Thanks, kid.” He took the bingo book, scanning through its pages. He knew better than to look through an Anbu bingo book in the open, but he welcomed the opportunity for slaughter should it arise. He was feeling back to at least 60% after the large meal, and knew that even at this capacity he could take out any one of the other criminals here. “Lots to choose from… ideally, each of them should have a different defining form of sin. And remember, we need seven. We need to capture them alive, so I’ll knock ‘em out carefully.” 

What ensued next could best be described as a macabre shopping spree, with Hidan constantly checking the list and fretting over ‘ingredients’ while Shikamaru assisted him in finding the proper aisles. Hidan made quick work of their targets, overpowering them with ease and slaughtering all who got in their way. Quite a lot of non-targets did attempt to interfere, since the two were mainly aiming to capture those in charge of their respective crime organizations. Hidan did a rather good job of keeping attackers away from Shikamaru, who was too lazy to work more than he had to, deflecting shinobi and their projected tools alike with quick rotating motions of his scythe. He seemed to take this self-proclaimed role as protector very seriously, despite Shikamaru’s ability to defend himself. He was clearly enjoying himself through the kills, grinning wildly through it all and having to work hard to restrain himself from killing their ritual targets. In the end, he left the knocking out to Shikamaru’s Shadow Strangle jutsu.

After a few hours, they had finally hunted down and captured the seven sacrifices. As luck would have it, the final two men had both been in the same dusty path behind a gambling house. Hidan had managed to carry up to five people until that point, but sulked as he realized he had reached carrying capacity. He had two tucked underneath each arm, and a fifth slung over his shoulder while he hunched to the side at an awkward angle to keep him in place. “Hey, Shika? I’m out of body space. We might need to take two trips. Unless you can stack ‘em on top of me. Come on, let’s see how high we can get this soon-to-be-corpse totem pole!” 

Shikamaru sighed and grabbed the remaining two, dragging one along behind him with each hand. “Let’s get this over with.” He led the way to the mostly abandoned warehouse he’d scoped out and dropped the unconscious bodies to the floor. 

Hidan jogged to the very center of the large building, meticulously selecting his area before also dropping his bound and gagged captives. He then trotted back to the entrance, picked up the other two, and added them to the pile. “Perfect. This place is perfect! I’ll get started on the preparations right away.” He used a kunai to slice a vertical gash down one of his wrists, and spilled a liberal amount of his blood over the bodies. By this point, most of them were regaining consciousness, and panic became evident on their faces. “We begin with a gift of blood. A courteous exchange, which represents the fact that we are all human here.” He spread his arms dramatically, grinning. “And fellow humans are deserving of the utmost… compassion. We are about to share in the most exquisite pain you will ever experience. This sacrifice you heathens are about to perform in will be the most valuable contribution you’ve made in your pitiful lives.” He looked to Shikamaru, his expression converting from one of a madman to one of casual concern. “Listen, it’s important that you stay out of the circle until the whole ritual is done. It’s only done when I tell you it is. I don’t want to accidentally send you to Lord Jashin, or send Asuma right back there after we get him. Any final questions before the point of no return?” 

Shikamaru settled down into a crossed legged position on the floor. “Like a cat, I feel the temptation to fuck up your circle. But I'll not.” he grinned. “Will he need to be rushed to the hospital?”

Hidan shook his head with a chuckle. “Well, thank you kindly for resisting that temptation. I know what you mean, I love fucking up order too. Don’t worry about your sensei, he’ll be perfectly alright. The intensity of the techniques employed in the ritual affect the quality of the state the body comes back in, and since I’m immortal I can really go all out. He’ll come back exhausted, but fully functional and healthy. It’ll be like he never left, with the exception of a few memories from the afterlife he’ll likely carry with him. Now, let’s get this party started.” 

Shikamaru merely nodded. He wouldn't even begin to pretend that he understood what was actually happening here. All he cared about, was Asuma coming back.

Hidan took a calculated number of paces in each compass direction from the center, leaving a bloody handprint on the floor at each of the four locations. After the last print was made, he rolled up his left pant leg and used the kunai to make a deep slash in the side of his calf from knee level to ankle. He placed his foot over the handprint and began to slide it in a very wide circle. As he slid his foot, blood cascading down his leg from the wound was smeared into a thick, curving line where he went. He formatted his angle based on the location of the next handprint, making the circular shape with impressive accuracy. By the time he finished the circle, the wound had healed, and he had to slice himself again to create the next part. He created a large triangle within the circle, its edges touching those of the circle to mirror the symbol of Jashinism. He then moved the captives out of the center of the symbol, and drew a smaller blood triangle of a size similar to the one used in his Death Possession ritual. This one pointed the opposite direction of the larger symbol it was placed in. He drew out the surrounding circle only after the triangle was done. Order was everything, he knew. It was rare for Hidan to put his entire focus in something, but for this ritual he was doing just that. A single slip up could have disastrous consequences. He couldn’t bear to see this kid’s crushing disappointment if he failed. He continued along with another new incision, drawing seven straight equidistant lines from the inner circle to the outer triangle, pausing short of connecting the points. Once the lines were set, he went back to each in the order of which it was made and ended them with small triangles that then connected them to the outer shape. 

He returned to the center, kneeling in the innermost triangle and smacking down one of his bloodied hands just outside the shape in a summoning. There was a bright flash of light, then a massive centipede appeared within the larger circle. The massive myriapod spoke in a series of soft clicks and hisses. ‘Praise Jashin. Deathly Dirge… quite the ambitious ritual. You’re certain of this?’ 

Hidan nodded confidently. “Praise Jashin. I’m positive about this. First time for everything, and it’s important. Listen, Gnorlipede. I need you to hold these writhing heathens still as I put them in place. Can you do that throughout the ritual?” 

The centipede gave a slow nod, exiting the large circle and curling his body around it, extending legs in preparation. ‘Of course. I handle writhing heathens daily.’ 

“You’re the best, bud.” He started dragging the sacrifices to the edge of the shape, placing each man on his knees in one of the seven triangles that connected the two shapes. As each was placed, Gnorlipede secured them in his large, lean legs. Hidan then cut the restraints and yanked out the gags, ignoring the slew of threats, insults, and pleads that came from their victims. As each was placed, he made a small sliver on each of their foreheads, using his finger to collect a single drop of blood and lick it. At the first taste of blood, his skin transformed to pitch black with bright white skeletal patterns. At each consecutive taste, his skeletal markings grew brighter until he was practically glowing by the seventh. He murmured ritual-specific prayers throughout the process, seeming to enter an almost trance-like state. 

He reentered the central triangle, careful not to step on any of the blood markings in the process. “Praise Jashin, for thy holy name is the one truth! The one honor! The righteous chaos amidst sinful order. I implore you in the most devoted of faith, devour! Devour the bodies and souls these heathens! Gnash, and slash, and smile! Oh, bless me with the divine light of your glorious smile, and may we smile together as this powerful cleansing reverberates across the veil and into your purest of realms! May you take this offering with pleasure, and consider returning one of yours to this impure realm for the span of a mortal life. Look, Lord Jashin! For I smile before your divinity and offer you the purest slaughter!” 

He hooked the longest blade of his scythe into the corner of his lip, and swiftly ripped the blade through flesh all the way up to the jaw line. He repeated the action on the other side, opening his mouth into a gruesome grin. The sacrifices were also caught in this action, the mouths of the seven victims also being slashed through the ritual connection. Hidan relished in a strange sense of serenity through their screams, throwing his head back and looking up to the sky through the damaged warehouse ceiling. He suddenly wiggled out of his borrowed pants, and threw them far out of the circle. “Cleanse, down to every fiber. Work from the bottom of the chakra network, and purify through the top with insurmountable agony…” He swung his scythe down and up, letting one of the blades pierce deep into the lowest central point of his body. “Root chakra.” He grunted with strain. This next one would be even more painful. “Sacral chakra.” He stabbed right into his groin area, resisting the urge to double over. “Solar plexus chakra.” Another deep stab through the center of his gut. “Heart chakra.” He stabbed himself through the heart, but remained standing as the obstructed organ struggled. “Throat chakra.” He made an incision from chin level to collar bone into his neck, just barely shallow enough to leave his vocal cords undamaged. “Third eye chakra.” The scythe penetrated his skull, landing between his eyes straight through the black spot amidst the white. He still fought the urge to crumble, having not yet caused enough brain damage to enable the release of death. “And, finally… the crown chakra. Praise Jashin! Praise him for all eternity!” He stabbed deeply into the top of his head, carefully aiming for the chakra point and landing true. The screams of agony and terror finally ceased, as the sacrificial victims perished. Hidan roughly pried out the blade, lasting only a moment longer before crumpling into his ritual circle. 

In death, his soul briefly traveled to the other side. He saw his magnificent god, with his millions of teeth and limbs, body spanning far and wide and smiling as bright as they came. His grin was so prominent and angular, that it largely resembled a triangle. The first symbol of Jashinism. Hidan witnessed him assessing the souls of the sacrifices, bound by terror and awe as they stared into the blinding light of the true god. As he deemed them unworthy, his massive mouth opened wide, going from triangular in shape to a round circle. The second symbol of Jashinism. He swooped forth and devoured the seven souls, teeth whirring and grinding as they passed through the long tunnel of his throat. They had been cleansed… the souls deemed truly impure, they had been shredded to pieces for reformation and rebirth. Hidan had never previously been able to witness this wonder with his own eyes, and the beauty of it all almost reduced him to tears. 

As the devouring was completed, the god of slaughter, cleansing, and chaos turned to face his priest. His voice was deep, and seemed to come from every direction at once. “Asuma Sarutobi. Why him?” He asked, despite already knowing. Jashin knew all, after all. 

Hidan fell to his knees, gazing reverently up at his god. “My Lord… how I’ve longed to again be by your side. I humbly request Asuma’s return in recompense for my sins. My slaughter was not sacred. It was not pure. It brought shame to my honorable faith.” 

Jashin slowly dropped a few coils of his massive body in circles around Hidan. “I see you have worked hard to repent for these sins. You will continue to serve me, and slaughter in my name. I am considering your request. It would certainly help Shikamaru’s willingness to convert… the boy intrigues me. He would make a fine Jashinist.” 

Hidan nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, my Lord! I will forever serve you. I agree, he would make a wonderful convert. He may be my first, if all goes well.” 

A pleased rumble reverberated through the air of the blindingly bright realm. “Good. Now, back you go.” 

Hidan gasped as he returned to life, shakily sitting up in the triangle. He blinked back to consciousness for a few moments, before realizing he needed to act quickly. The inner ritual circle was beginning to glow brightly. He rolled out of it, rising to his feet and positioning himself at the upper tip of the triangle. “Take this mortal flesh, and create with your divine power! Bone!” 

The corpse of the first victim somehow dissolved down to the bone, erupting with light and supporting itself. Gnorlipede released the corpses, drawing back from the circle and closer to Shikamaru.

“Sinew!” The second corpse dissolved to nothing more than tendons and ligaments, clinging to invisible bones. 

“Muscle! Nerves! Entrails! Blood! Skin!” Each of the remaining corpses partly dissolved on cue, leaving behind only the body parts specified. Hidan crashed back down to his knees and raised his arms high, triggering the floating organs to all at once make their way to the center and smash together into the bright light of the central circle. After several moments of stillness, the light slowly faded. In its wake, a bleary-eyed Asuma lay in the center of the circle. 

Hidan let out a little laugh of relief. Jashin had fulfilled his request after all. He held a hand out towards Shikamaru. “Wait, kid. Not until I tell you.” Shikamaru had attempted to rush forward, but dutifully froze when commanded. He watched the light fade for several more moments, before it was completely gone, leaving nothing but the dried blood ritual site and Asuma. Hidan signaled Shikamaru with a wave. “It’s safe. Come on over.” For what seemed like the millionth time today, he had been pushed to his limit and was completely spent, staying knelt on the floor.

Shikamaru lunged forward, dodging the symbol on the ground, and gathered Asuma into his lap. He quickly studied the man, stunned to find him looking so perfectly like himself. So alive. He never thought he would get to see him again. He was so thankful, but right now he needed to hear his voice more than anything else in the whole world.

”Asuma? Sensei... It's me. It's Shikamaru. Can you hear me...?” He asked, voice cracking against his will. He pushed back his emotions so he could focus.

Asuma’s dazed eyes brightened in recognition and he grinned up at his student. “Shikamaru… I thought it’d be a lot longer before I got to see you again. I missed you like hell.” He reached up, warmly clasping his shoulder and then attempting to pull him down into a hug, which Shikamaru obliged. He crumpled down onto his teacher as much as he could at this angle, holding onto him like he was the only thing holding him together.

“I'm so sorry… I couldn't save you… I failed you… I'm so sorry…” He whispered like a chant to the older shinobi. He was stuck in a loop of apologies, he just needed him to know that what he was saying was genuine.

Asuma held him tightly. “Hey, hey, it’s alright. You didn’t fail anyone, Shikamaru.” He briefly released one arm from the hug, keeping the other firmly in place as he attempted to sit up. After a bit of a struggle and some help, he managed to keep himself propped up and pulled Shikamaru back into that firm, secure embrace. “I mean it. You don’t have to apologize. I am so, so proud of you. I need you to know that.” 

Shikamaru was silent for what felt like ages before he finally spoke. ”I killed them… The Akatsuki guys… I mean, Naruto and Kakashi followed my plan for Kakuzu and took him out but I… I killed Hidan. I got him. I got him back for what he did to you…” He whispered.

Asuma’s brows furrowed slightly as he thought hard, gathering his limited memories of life after death. “That’s right... I was right there with you.” He smiled softly down at him. “You pulled it off, just like I knew you would. You’re a brilliant shinobi, and I’m honored to have been able to watch you grow into the remarkable young man you are.”

He continued to hold him close, wanting to keep Shikamaru there for as long as the younger shinobi needed him there. He needed him to know that he was cared for, and that despite the pain of what happened, everything would be alright somehow. He truly felt overwhelmed with pride; when Shikamaru put his mind and effort into something, he never failed to impress. Asuma was confident that if the complication of immortality had not been an issue with the Akatsuki pair they’d fought, Shikamaru’s first plan to victory would have succeeded without a hitch. But it was more than that. He truly was proud of him in every way, especially how far he had come on a personal level. 

“I should have said this sooner. For the longest time, I’ve seen you as my own son.” Asuma’s words hovered in the air for a bit. They were incredibly impactful to Shikamaru and he was stunned. Shika pulled back from the embrace just enough to look up at the older Shinobi with shock, but a slow recognition soon replaced that shock.

”Yeah… I think I always knew that… Somewhere in my heart. But… I still needed to hear it. I think I started seeing you that way when you first dragged me into a game of Shogi. You were the first person to really believe in my mind… You knew what I could do. I can't really thank you enough for believing and pushing me. I'm just… I'm glad it's mutual. And I'm glad you're back. Don't die on me again.” With those words, he leaned back against Asuma in comfortable silence.

”I promise, kiddo. I'm not going anywhere for a long time.” Asuma mumbled, also growing comfortable in silence. They simply basked in each other’s company and mutual love.

While the two reunited, Hidan eventually gathered the strength to scoot out of the ritual circle. He leaned his back against the giant centipede’s side and relaxed as though the venomous creature was the comfiest resting spot he’d ever had. “Not gonna lie, that was pretty rough. Definitely worth it, though.” 

Gnorlipede lowered his body to lay down, making it easier for the priest to rest at his side. ‘I imagine so. Quite the touching reunion we can now witness.’ 

He let out a soft chuckle. “How is it that so many of the strong but silent guys I know are secret mushes? You’re a big softie under all that armor.” 

‘And you’re even softer beneath your squishy exterior. Both in the sense of delicious organs, and in the metaphorical.’ 

He cracked open an eye, looking irritably at the centipede. “Hey, I ain’t soft! I am delicious though, I’ll accept that and just ignore the other thing you said.” 

Gnorlipede tilted his broad head and quirked an antenna slightly in a look that effectively conveyed, ‘really?’ He remained silent, however, looking back towards Asuma and Shikamaru to observe their moment from a distance. 

After what felt like ages of silent recovery, Shikamaru piped up. “While you seem fine now, we should get you to the hospital back in Konoha. Lady Tsunade will want to run some tests to make sure. And probably get you on an IV drip and a decent meal.” He slowly got up and held out a hand to Asuma, pulling him up too.

“You ready?” Shikamaru called over to Hidan and threw his disguise to him. “Put this, and your damn pants, on before we leave here.” He knew he would need to fill Asuma in on why he was suddenly working pleasantly with Hidan, the man who had murdered him, but he hoped Asuma would just go along with it for now and not get upset.

Hidan caught the clothes as they were thrown to him, still splayed out in man-spread position against the centipede. “Yeah yeah, I got it. You’re welcome for me not stabbing through and bleeding all over the pants you let me borrow. How come my coming back to life moment in the cursed forest was horrifying and dirty, while this guy gets to be all clean and magically have his clothes?” He started dressing into the outfit. He squirmed and tried to suppress a giggle fit as the giant centipede leaned down and started licking the blood off of his face and head. 

“Because you had to regrow from just a head, your clothes were blasted to bits. He got a magic body and I for one am glad he has pants.” Shikamaru called back before looking to his sensei, seeing recognition on the older man’s face.

Asuma seemed surprised to see Hidan, but otherwise relaxed. Not at all how Shikamaru had expected him to act. He whispered to Shikamaru. “How exactly did you tame this guy? And how is he here?” 

Shikamaru sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He guessed that migraines were just going to be a constant in his life now. “He chewed his way out of the hole I dumped him in and I found him being attacked in the forest of Nara. I guess… I guess he felt bad and decided to help get you back. You weren't ‘the right kind of sacrifice’ or some shit like that, so he got yelled at by his god. After all this, I have to help him get something back, but he didn't ask for my help. I'm just helping because… Well, he can't do it alone.” Shikamaru awkwardly rubbed at the back of his neck. He hated this sentimental shit. It was such a drag.

Asuma smiled softly, eyes showing understanding. “You’re helping because you care. I may not know why yet, but I’m glad you do. Forgiveness is more for your own sake than it is for the person you’re forgiving. I’m not as upset with him as I probably should be. Time passes very differently where I went. It felt like I got to spend a whole lifetime with Chiriku, more time than I ever would have been able to with his role at the temple. And I got to see my old man again, too. Really wasn’t so bad.” 

Shikamaru couldn't help the little smile he got. “Good. I'm glad the last few months were worth something at least.” He bumped against him and with that, the three of them made their way back towards the leaf. It felt longer going back than it did on the way there. The three walked casually and Shikamaru snuck them back in through one of his secret passages. Asuma asked him about how often he snuck out of the village, but Shikamaru expertly dodged that by reminding him that they needed to be quiet.

He brought them around back passages for as long as possible to avoid gathering a crowd, but soon he had no choice but to exit the safety of his beloved shadows and approach the hospital. As soon as they were spotted by the medical ninja and the recognition of who was trotting up washed over them, one ran off to get Lady Tsunade. All according to Shikamaru’s plan.

The Hokage arrived like a tempest. Medical ninja flocked around her and carried out her every order. They gathered and forced Asuma onto a medical bed and wheeled him away to an exam room to be treated and fretted over. She was so occupied that she conveniently forgot to ask Shikamaru just how the hell Asuma was no longer six feet under fertilizing the earth.

Shikamaru watched as the nurses swarmed around Asuma as soon as he gave him over. He remained in the area until his exhausted sensei fell asleep on the hospital bed. He felt the pull to stay, to fall by his bedside and hold his hand until he was deemed all better. He wanted to explain what he’d done to Choji and Ino when they arrived and apologize for his behavior in the last few months. Apologize for making them worry and pushing them away. But now wasn't the time for that. He had made a deal to help Hidan and he would be damned if he wasn't at least a man of his word.

He swiveled around and grabbed Hidan’s arm, pulling him away from the scene. ”Let’s go. While the Hokage is busy.” He whispered and dragged the larger man off. He moved them as quickly through the hall as he could without looking suspicious. They stopped outside the morgue.

As the realization of reality suddenly came crashing down, Hidan skidded to a stop outside the door to the morgue. He found himself unable to take a step closer. In his desperation to believe Kakuzu was alive, he’d taken words out of context and pieced them into a pretty picture. He’d expected to find his partner in chains, upset but otherwise well. Now, he would only be able to see his corpse. He stared at the door a few feet away, unblinking and unmoving. He felt himself fading… a cold numbness swiftly invaded his mind. 

Shikamaru attempted to regain Hidan’s focus. ”I know this isn't what you were expecting, but I needed you to cooperate with me as long as we could. He's dead, but I fully expect that you can bring him back after what you did with Asuma, so keep it together. He needs you to hold it together through this. Kakuzu will be in drawer 42 in section K on the lowest level. He's heavy as hell. Open the drawer and start him thawing. Run warm water over him until I get back, thaw his joints especially. Leave him there until I rejoin you. Do not do anything until I come back, got it? You cannot get both of you out of here without me.” He warned before disappearing down the hall.

Hidan’s head slowly turned to watch Shikamaru as he left. His body and mind had returned to some movement, but everything was in slow motion. He had to believe that the kid was right. Since Kakuzu was killed by non-Jashinists, the Deathly Dirge ritual wouldn’t work. However, with Kakuzu’s unique abilities, perhaps it could be possible to revive him with proper care and transplants. That had been his hope before he’d gotten his hopes up, and returning to plan B after he’d acquired such a foolishly optimistic outlook felt miserable. He could almost hear Kakuzu scolding him in his head. He finally approached the door, and entered the morgue. He closed the door softly behind himself, but the resonating sound seemed practically deafening in this room, silent save for the gentle whirring of the refrigeration units. He mutely meandered the rows of drawers. It looked just like the bounty collection offices that they made frequent trips to, but Hidan often refused to actually enter. He never could handle the rancid smell of long-dead corpses. Although the clean and well-kept morgue lacked the stench, it was far more tolling for different reasons entirely. He had never seen death as a disservice. Quite the opposite; he took pride in sending tortured souls to the warm embrace of Lord Jashin. Yet here, with Kakuzu’s body being just one of the hundreds, an insignificant statistic on the leaf village’s data sheets… the thought of death felt so wrong. 

He paused at section K, drawer 42. The metal was sagging from the weight of the body within. He took a deep breath, then pried the drawer open with a slight struggle. He peeled the cloth sheet covering the body down to his upper chest. Seeing him was even harder than he could have imagined. Kakuzu’s eyes were closed, his mouth still unstitched and kept slightly open by a thick sprawling of tendrils from his last battle. His last battle alone… without the partner who had silently sworn to protect him. Although sickly and pale, he almost looked like he could have been asleep. Hidan leaned in closer, pressing the side of his face slightly against the center of Kakuzu’s chest. He didn’t know what he had been expecting, but his heart fell when he couldn’t feel his breathing, or hear the distinctive synchronized beating of his five strong hearts. All he felt was cold. His cheek tried to stick to the frozen skin on the way out, but he managed to pry away easily, accustomed to pain. He slowly reached a hand out towards his partner’s still face. He withdrew and re-extended the hand a few times, hesitating, before finally making contact. He softly caressed down each of his cheeks, then slowly petted through his long, dark hair. Even in death, Kakuzu was still remarkably handsome. Silent tears streaked his cheeks, but he quickly wiped them away. 

“Hey, Kuzu.” At this point, speaking to the body felt more natural than continuing the suffocating silence. He knew he would break down if he didn’t, and now was not the time for that. “It’s been a while, buddy. I know you’re not feeling great, so… I’m gonna take care of you. Then I’m gonna wake your ass up and probably bitch slap you for scaring me like this. You’ll be okay, hear me? I just need you to trust me.” 

He thought back to the instructions Shikamaru had given prior to his departure. Run hot water over him, particularly the joints. That, he could manage. He ran over to the nearest sink, turned the water on full blast, and clasped his hands together in a jutsu. “Boiling Water Tunnel.” He murmured under his breath. In his opinion this jutsu was probably the only good thing to come out of the Land of Hot Water, counting himself. His flame chakra heated up the water rapidly, while his balancing water nature formed the boiling liquid into a spiraling tunnel in the air about a foot in diameter. He focused and let out several slow breaths on the deadly plume, focusing his energy to cool it to a more manageable level. He didn’t want to scald his partner’s skin off. He was a bit out of practice after having converted to using entirely Jashinist techniques in battle, but was now grateful for the high levels of skill he had acquired while training in Yugakure. He sent the water tunnel towards Kakuzu and engulfed his body in it. After an initial soaking, he looped it back to the sink, creating a ring formation which constantly supplied new hot water. The focus of this task served as a welcome distraction from his tormented mind and heart. 

Meanwhile, Shikamaru gave his usual lazy greetings and nods to anyone daring enough to make eye contact. Since Asuma's death, people had been far less willing to interact. He guessed that he just looked fragile and nobody wanted to risk shattering him. Normally, their avoidance would irritate him, but right now it worked to his advantage. It seemed that the word of Asuma’s return hadn’t yet gotten around past the hospital staff. 

Shikamaru cracked open the door to the Hokage’s office and peered around to ensure Shizune and Kakashi weren’t hanging out. If he got caught, he knew stealing documents and assisting terrorists was an act of treason. He would face judgment for his numerous sins later, but today was not that day. The office was empty.

He slipped in and made quick work of his forgery. He had learned to forge signatures quite young, and Tsunade made it easy. Most of her signatures were hasty and difficult to read. He produced a disguised shadow clone and sent it off to deliver the false document while he rushed back to Hidan. All he could hope was that the man hadn't done anything dumb while he was gone.

Shikamaru reentered the morgue as quietly as he could. He found Hidan dutifully working on thawing Kakuzu, and couldn't help feeling amazed that the chaotic shinobi had actually listened to him. Maybe he was a good leader after all, as Asuma always said. Hidan had moved from the sink to Kakuzu’s side, enabling him to better focus on the areas treated. Hidan didn’t even flinch as the door opened, never the sort to shy away from a confrontation. He glanced up, and when he saw who it was he gave Shikamaru a small nod. “He’s pretty well thawed on the outside, and partly done on the inside. He’ll be able to move normally by now.” He gave a flick of his hand and sent his water plume rushing down the drain. 

Shikamaru gave a quick, silent nod and checked over the body. He trusted Hidan to know what he was doing, but it was his instinct to check for himself. Hidan was in a compromised state, and the jutsu he used would destroy Kakuzu’s body if he performed it the wrong way. A quick but thorough analysis confirmed that the body was in an acceptable state to begin. He nodded and stepped back.

”Now for my new trick. This is gonna hurt like a bitch when you wake up, big guy, sorry. But it beats being dead.” Shikamaru said to Kakuzu’s corpse. He held out his hand and focused on channeling his chakra outwards. His shadow slowly extended until it slipped inside of Kakuzu’s body. His shadow wove itself through the muscle, veins, and sinew of Kakuzu’s body. Shikamaru’s hand contorted in horrific ways that made it look unnaturally broken or possessed.

Hidan could see the little bits of shadow string that would poke out of Kakuzu’s stitched scars. The shadow dyed his insides a deep inky black that was only visible when he looked quite closely at it. The strings were like worms infesting the dirt and writhing around just beneath the surface. His eyes widened as he watched the changes. Kakuzu almost looked like he did before releasing his masks, quilted flesh stretching and writhing. 

Slowly, Kakuzu’s fingers and toes began to twitch and then wiggle. He moved his arms slightly, then finally he sat up. He was very much still dead, but his body moved as if it wasn't. His eyes even snapped open. They were glassy from death and ice. It made him look like a highly unsettling doll. His skin was quite pale, especially for the normally dark-skinned shinobi, while his veins were black from the shadow. It was a truly grotesque marionette.

”I call this Shadow Puppetry. I didn't expect to try this on a corpse... But whatever. Hidan, can you put the disguise on him? I need to focus on keeping him upright without hurting him. If I'm not careful, the veins burst from strain. A few of my test subjects bled to death from this. But we need him as intact as possible.” Shikamaru said, his voice strained from focus. He slowly wrapped the shadow strings around and inside the wires that hung outside Kakuzu’s mouth and slowly forced them back inside.

Hidan slowly nodded, unable to blink or speak since the shadow puppetry had started. The sight was oddly fascinating, even mesmerizing in a way. It was unfortunate that the heart-wrenching pain of this being someone he was close to spoiled what would have otherwise been a flawless performance. He managed to again snap himself out of the stupor, and fumbled for the clothes. “Right… sorry Kakuzu, gonna have to see some parts you’d really rather I didn’t. Hey, don’t look at me like that, those leaf doctors are the perverts, not me.” He started to get him dressed from top down, keeping the blanket over Kakuzu’s lap for as long as possible. Even in death, he clearly respected at least some of his partner’s discomforts. “Shika, I have to say. Pain aside, this shadow puppet thing is one of my favorite jutsu I’ve ever seen.” 

Shikamaru smiled slightly. “Thanks. I came up with it after talking with a puppet master from the sand village. Kankurō. He was oddly willing to tell me far too much about the art. I tried working with chakra strings, but those are easily severed by those who know how to disrupt chakra. It could usurp control, but I was not very strong. I needed to be able to hold people in place without their will.

“I was stumped for a bit, trying to figure out how to make a chakra string stronger, then, I wondered if I could modify the Shadow Possession to control them without moving myself the same way. Eventually, this one was born. But it's pretty harsh on the body and shadow jutsu, in general, is still up for debate as to whether it is considered deplorable. Because of this, I haven't shown it to anybody in the leaf. I've already been called a monster enough, I don't need to add forcefully turning people into puppets to my resumé.”

He lifted Kakuzu’s legs a bit to make the reclothing effort easier on Hidan. “I control their jaw and vocal cords, so I can also make them say whatever I want. It's a pretty nasty trick. Also… If I just yank hard on my shadow… They die instantly… Their blood vessels burst and they basically become a water balloon of blood. It's not pretty.”

Hidan finished dressing Kakuzu, giving him a little pat to the shoulder as he finished. “Not pretty? Are you kidding?” He turned back to Shikamaru with an impressed grin. “It’s one of the most amazing techniques I’ve ever seen! Personally, I think it’s beautiful. I mean it. But hey, I get it. Sometimes, the villages we come from just don’t understand our forms of beauty. Same way with the place I came from, none of ‘em understood me. Your people might not understand yet, but maybe one day they’ll be ready for all you’ve got to offer. Or you can slaughter the ones you hate like the long pigs they are! You probably don’t like that option, though, forget I said it. Anyway, in the meantime, I’m glad that I get to be the first to see this. You’re not a monster, kid. But if you wanna embrace that title, you’re a beautiful monster, and there’s nothing wrong with that.” 

Shikamaru smiled slightly and looked down. ”Yeah... Okay. Thanks, mom. Man! Thanks, man! Oh God...” He stuttered awkwardly, dying inside. He didn’t pay much mind to Hidan’s confused but unexpectedly touched look. ”Let's just go.” He stepped forward and placed a stolen Anbu mask on Kakuzu’s face, effectively hiding him away. He forced Kakuzu into a stand, then a walk. It was awkward and stunted at first, but soon became more fluid and natural with practice. When he was ready, he opened the door.

Their walk down the hallway towards a side exit was slower and more precise than the walk to the morgue had been. Before now, they could have at least run to escape getting caught. Now, they had to maneuver a heavy corpse with them and keep Shika’s creepy jutsu hand hidden between them. Shikamaru kept them down whatever path led to the least amount of resistance and people. Soon, they exited the hospital and managed their great escape. 

They made a mad dash into the woods, their crazy corpse caper complete. Shika lowered Kakuzu to the ground and released the shadow jutsu. He was panting and sweating quite a bit, and leaned up against a tree a few paces away. Clearly, a lot of chakra went into forcibly hauling a heavy metal corpse around. He was exhausted. ”Okay... So... Now what?” He asked between desperate breaths. 

Hidan took off his borrowed shirt and pulled out a kunai. He knelt over Kakuzu’s body, blade pressed to his chest. ”We give this tin man a heart.” He prayed to Jashin for this to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shikamaru seriously needs a hug! I just love the idea of him and Hidan making up. The song, titled “Our Wisteria Tree,” was specially written for this story. Because you know Hidan would be insanely protective of the precious few he grows to cherish.
> 
> Things got heavy for a hot minute there! You’ve officially made it past all the sad parts. Up next, KakuHida confessions at last!


	3. Reunion and Reciprocation

Kakuzu awoke in the forest, pain in every fiber of his body and Hidan hunched over him with blood dripping from his open, hollow, chest cavity. He had torn out his own heart and shoved it into Kakuzu’s body, metal tendrils unconsciously accepting the repurposed organ. 

Hidan laughed in ecstatic relief and embraced him, his first such blatant act of physical affection. “You’re alive! Praise Jashin, it actually worked!” Still dazed and confused, Kakuzu slowly patted Hidan’s back in a stunted return hug. Before he had the chance to get a word in, Hidan started to speak more rapidly with a combination of relief and anger. “Fuck, I thought I lost you! If you try to die on me again, I’ll kill you myself! Look, I-I know that we weren’t planning on getting attached or anything, but I actually kinda like you. I just didn’t want to admit it because the old texts in Jashinism decree ‘thou shalt kill thy neighbor,’ which pretty much means if I get too close to someone in a way that disrupts my devotion I’m supposed to kill ‘em, and I really didn’t want to lose you. Maybe I was reading into it too much, I don’t know... I just get so confused sometimes when it comes to the sentimental bullshit, but here I am saying it anyway. Closest I’ve ever been with anyone is with you, Kuzu. So don’t you fucking dare leave me again, or I’ll dig up and burn all your money and expensive shit, I’m serious!” 

Kakuzu squinted up at him. The light through the trees was made harder on his eyes with the added ‘joy’ that a resurrection brought. He could hear the mindless chatter of his partner, but as usual it was near constant and mind-numbing. He found himself wishing yet again that there was an easy way to render him mute.

“Hidan...” his voice came out broken and cracked. Just how long had he been dead? It must have been longer than he thought. “Can you just shut your mouth for a single moment so I can gather my bearings?” The old man griped. His head ached and Hidan’s empty threats on his possessions were an added pain.

Hidan glared, pulling away. The wound in his chest was beginning to seal as a new heart formed. “Typical. I don’t know why I expected anything different from you. Fine, I’ll shut up.” 

Kakuzu shifted himself to a sitting position up against a tree. His body felt lighter, but less efficient. Only one heart was beating in his chest, and that was a severe disadvantage. He would need to collect more if he expected to go into battle, or back to work, any time soon.

He fixed his gaze on his partner, bloodied and panicked. What had he been saying? A neighbor? Sentimental bullshit? Did he say that he... liked him? No. Hidan failed to make any more sense than usual, and Kakuzu knew enough about himself to know he was bad with emotions.

Kakuzu’s chest constricted painfully when he saw how bloody and damaged Hidan was. He must have been through hell and he looked quite scared. He wanted to tuck him up to his chest and hide him from this hateful world, but he didn't think that would go over well. They had finally achieved friendship, he didn't want to destroy that. So he simply squashed down his feelings and moved right along.

“Now, explain. How long have I been dead and exactly what have I missed?” He asked, voice as even as he could make it under these circumstances.

Hidan looked away, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s... it’s been a while. Right around six months, I’ve heard. Time is irrelevant when you’re buried in a Jashin-damned hole for what feels like an eternity...” He subconsciously drew his knees to his chest, curling up like a pillbug. Kakuzu found it cute but concerning. “As for what you missed, it’s a lot. While you were fighting your fight, the Nara kid took me off on his own and led me right into a trap. Sorry for voodoo stabbing you in one of your hearts, by the way. The little shithead tricked me into drinking your blood, as you probably noticed. I thought I had him, but he set a damn good trap. I’ve gotta give it to him, the kid’s smart. Not sure how the fuck he dug such a bigass hole, but he paper bombed me and buried the pieces deep. I figured you’d be right over to get me out when you beat those brats, but when you never came I figured the impossible had happened.” 

He took a deep breath, exhaling slowly in a futile attempt at calming his frantically-beating new heart. “I honestly never thought you’d be beat, Kakuzu. You were dead and I was out of commission for half a year, so the Akatsuki will have marked us both off as goners. Just this morning I finally made it out of that hellhole, but the Nara kid caught me after a bunch of fucking murder deer chased my ass down and stabbed me to the floor with their antlers. Fucking haunted piece of shit Nara forest...”

Kakuzu remained silent for a few more moments, absorbing the new information. “You couldn’t even defend yourself against a few deer?” He scolded. Their antagonism was an old habit that served as a comfort for both of them. The crack of emotion in Hidan was enough to make Kakuzu feel like everything was going to be normal again one day.

Hidan threw his hands up in the air, uncurling slightly into a characteristic rage. “FUCKING MURDER DEER, KAKUZU!” He shouted more loudly than usual. “They’re not normal fucking deer, I’m telling you! Plus, I had to work with a whole new body that was drained from chewing and clawing my way out of the fucking cursed ground! I had an actual deer horn up my actual asshole, you think I consented to that?! Fuck no!”

“Shut up you idiot, do you want to get us caught?” Kakuzu hissed. 

Hidan huffed irritably, but at least stopped shouting. “Funny you should say that, we’re already caught. Remember how I said the Nara kid caught me after the murder deer pinned me? Yeah, he’s here.” 

“Long time no see.” Shikamaru drawled, leaning against a tree just out of Kakuzu’s sight. “Yeah, I’ve been standing here awkwardly the whole time.”

Kakuzu pinched the bridge of his nose, desperately attempting to summon what little patience he had left. He hadn’t even managed to sense the boy’s presence, he really was out of it. They could easily be killed right now and he wouldn't even see it coming. It was a horrible feeling to have his senses fail him. “Fantastic. A third round with these leaf ninja is just what I needed today.”

Hidan shook his head. “We’re not getting a third round, Kakuzu. We, um... sort of made up. Look, it’s complicated, okay? Needless to say, Shika and I weren’t exactly pleased to see each other. But he was tired of fighting and we managed to work something out. I miiight have spent all of today hunting down sacrifices to perform a powerful necromancy ritual for him. It’s the most challenging ritual to get right, and it only works on souls who have been sent to Lord Jashin. And only if Jashin sees the request as a pure one and is willing to release the soul. Since I was the one who sacrificed Asuma, I was able to bring him back. Hey kid, how’s the guy doing, anyway?” He asked Shikamaru, turning his head to face him. 

“He’s stable. Lady Tsunade said he should be ready to leave their care after a good rest. He fell asleep pretty quickly, but she said that was good. Luckily, she was too busy to ask how he was alive since we buried him, or why I had blood all over me.” Shikamaru responded quietly, still shaken by the return of his sensei. 

“Glad to hear it. Don’t worry, he’ll be alright.” Hidan said, surprisingly sounding genuine and trying to be gentle with the unstable boy. “The ritual’s a tough one, but there are no consequences for the revived soul if you nail it. Which of course I did, I’m a high priest for Jashin’s sake.” He looked back to Kakuzu. “Shika took Asuma to the hospital, which is right in the hokage’s building. Also where the morgue is located. He left after the guy passed out, then helped me break your frozen ass out of the morgue. We had to drag you back into the haunted fucking forest of Nara to make sure we weren’t found. Me and the kid had a bit of a heart to heart while I was thawing out your corpse.” He leaned in closer and whispered. “I might be trying to adopt him. Which I know probably sounds fucked up, all things considered, but he’s a good kid once you look past our history.” 

“I can still hear you.” Shikamaru mumbled, shifting awkwardly. “That was the worst attempt at whispering I’ve ever heard. I'm not being dramatic, that was genuinely very bad.”

“Fuck, so much for subtlety. Eh, it’s never been my style.” He shrugged. “C’mon, you know ya like me.” Hidan flashed Shikamaru a toothy smile, but the boy merely looked away, still not sure of this whole situation. It just kept getting weirder.

Kakuzu shook his head at his loud-mouthed partner. No, subtlety was never his style. Today just kept getting stranger and stranger, and he still hadn’t entirely finished absorbing all the information that was dumped on him. It was as though half his brain was still frozen. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore. He hadn’t expected that Hidan would ever go out of his way to save him. And yet, here the idiot was, covered in blood and dirt, right alongside the boy who had essentially signed both their death warrants. It seemed too outlandish to be true. “Will there be any trouble when we leave?” He asked warily, eyeing Shikamaru. 

Shikamaru let out a soft hum, staring up at the clouds. Sunset brought with it beautiful hues of pink and purple, largely distracting him from the other two. “Huh? No, there won’t be any trouble so long as you don’t go looking for it. I’m here to make sure you two leave without making a scene. It’s a lot easier if the leaf village continues on thinking you’re both still dead. I falsified a body disposal document for you before we left. All I ask is that you don’t harm anyone in or around this village, and try not to make it obvious that you’re alive again. That would make it harder on me. Personally, I don’t give a damn what else you choose to do with your lives.” 

Hidan gestured towards the boy with a little grin. “See, Kuzu? Told ya this little shit’s a good kid.” His less-than-subtle praise made Shikamaru twitch again. For most of his life, people thought he was just a useless slacker and ignored him. It was weird getting so much praise for simple things that would surely anger his village.

Kakuzu watched Shikamaru closely, searching for any signs of deception. The boy was twitchy and his eyes were red and puffy, but that appeared more to do with his odd day rather than his imminent plan to betray them. Obviously, the boy could still turn on them, but at this point, he would only incriminate himself alongside them. Feeling rather comfortable with his assessment of the boy, Kakuzu relaxed slightly. “We will be leaving by tomorrow morning.” 

“Fine by me. Just a helpful hint, you might want to leave the Forest of Nara before then. I’m heading back now, and I can only keep the guardians off you for so long after I leave. Trust me, deer are bad, but the least of your worries out here. But I guess the deer are pretty bad too.” Shikamaru said, uncomfortably casual.

Hidan shuddered visibly at the mention of the deer, trauma easily visible. He subconsciously returned to a curled position. “Great... now I’ve got a deer phobia for life. Fucking elafiphobia.” 

Kakuzu looked carefully over his partner and realized this, unfortunately, wasn’t the right time for insults. He awkwardly shifted closer until he was at Hidan’s side, and slung an arm loosely around his shoulder. He let its full weight land on him, which was far heavier than a gesture of comfort ought to be, especially with his muscle fibers being made of dense metal. But he was trying his best. It was a stunted gesture, but dammit, he was trying and that had to count for something.

Hidan let out a soft grunt as the wind was suddenly knocked out of him from the surprise arm drop, but then looked to Kakuzu with a bewildered expression. He opened his mouth as though to speak, but impressively closed it shortly after. He seemed to switch from bewildered to flustered, emitting a few short huffs as his face flushed pink. He then suddenly tucked up against the stitch-covered man, nestling up in the search for comfort and reassurance. As he felt the warmth of that sturdy frame, he felt himself finally relax to the point where he didn’t feel a looming panic attack. He closed his eyes, hiding his face from the world against Kakuzu’s chest and allowing himself to be more vulnerable than he had been in years. 

Kakuzu was surprised to see Hidan seek more affection, but felt a sense of pride in knowing he was doing something right for once. He was never great at helping those who were in pain. He couldn’t quite explain the twinge of discomfort at seeing his partner in such distress, or the tingling warmth he felt at being the one to make it a bit more alright for him. He couldn't fix it, he knew that, but he was glad he could at least help.

Shikamaru turned and started walking off, sending them a slight wave over his shoulder. He was glad that the mercenaries were too distracted, and emotionally stunted, to notice his hesitation. He didn't want to, but he felt the desire to get closer to these two. He felt like no matter what he did or thought, they would always accept him. He couldn't say that about most people in the Leaf Village. He sometimes felt like a secret monster around the better, nicer, people he cared about. 

Still, he forced himself to get moving. Asuma would need to see him when he woke back up, and these two were likely done needing him. “I’m out. See ya, maybe…” He said, more unsure if they would ever want to see him again.

Hidan untucked his face from his safe nook to look over at the retreating figure. “See ya, definitely! Two weeks from now, at the eastern border of the Land of Fangs. The tea shop, you’ll know it when you see it. I’ll bring you my famous blood muffins, they’re damn good!” 

“I don’t want your blood muffins.” Shikamaru called back, trying to fight the slight smile that was forcing its way onto his face. The knot in his stomach untied when he knew for sure that he was wanted. That made all the difference.

“Hey! You’ll eat a blood muffin and you’ll like it, you little shit!” Hidan shouted back with a laugh. 

Kakuzu furrowed his brows distastefully. “Blood muffins...?” 

“Yeah, it’s like blood pudding but in muffin form. And made from my own blood.” He stated as though it was a perfectly normal concept that he was clearly quite proud of.

“That’s... disgusting.” He shook his head. 

“Hey, you say that now, but you’ll like it when you eat it. Haven’t made one in a few years, so this’ll be a real treat.”

“Do you honestly expect the boy to meet you in a tea shop two weeks from now? He has no reason to come back.”

Hidan nodded confidently. “I do, yeah. We had some real bonding moments today. I think he’s secretly into the bonus parent thing I’m laying down. You could be a bonus dad too, he seriously needs more love.”

“Who are you and what have you done with Hidan?” He spoke deadpan. This wasn't like Hidan at all.

Hidan let out a short laugh. “Still me, your favorite partner! Although, my brain did get pretty scrambled by that whole ordeal.” He let out a few panicked-sounding half-laughs before erupting into an unstable, manic cackle. He suddenly grew silent again, shaking himself out of it. “If I’m... acting weirder than usual, that’s probably why.” 

Kakuzu stood, pulling Hidan up with him. “Let’s get out of here. I don’t need you getting any more scrambled. You only have two brain cells left to work with as is.” 

“Hey! I’ve got four brain cells left, thank you very much. Eat a dick, cock-kazoo.” He leaned slightly against him as they walked, the touch reassuring him that this reality wasn’t the work of his imagination.

Kakuzu let out a quiet chuckle. Despite his better judgement, he really had missed this. 

—-

After their escape from the Hidden Leaf Village, Kakuzu led the way to the edge of the Land of Fire, to the exact place where he had buried a good portion of the money earned from the head monk Chiriku’s bounty. He performed a quick earth-style jutsu and brought the briefcase to the surface. He dusted it off and opened it up, satisfied to see the money still safe inside. 

“Gotta hand it to ya, Kuzu. For once I see the appeal of burying cash caches like a coked-up squirrel.” 

“One more word on my habits and you won’t be getting a room.” He growled defensively.

“Sheesh, no need to get defensive. I said it was actually a decent habit in certain situations like our current one. Anyway, I was thinking... maybe we could just get one room? Y’know, cuz it’s cheaper and all.” He looked down at the ground, focusing on kicking up fallen leaves for the sole sake of avoiding eye contact. 

Kakuzu hummed slightly. He knew damn well that Hidan didn’t have an ounce of financial sense, but he did make a fair point. Kakuzu had also been considering sharing a room, for the same reason. Definitely not out of wanting to make sure Hidan was okay at night. Of course he was alright, this was... purely financial. “Fine by me.” He continued walking, seeking out an inn. He caught the quiet sigh of relief Hidan let out before following after him, but chose not to comment. 

—-

The following weeks held bigger changes than either of them had anticipated. They rejoined with the Akatsuki, but decided to be less active members. Kakuzu hadn’t left any room for negotiation, and Pein gave in to the demands rather easily. The zombie pair started laying lower, and more carefully selecting the victims of their bounty hunts. Before they knew it, the planned meeting with Shikamaru came around.

Kakuzu and Hidan were running a bit late that evening, but made it to the Land of Fangs border tea shop by sunset. Hidan picked up the pace when the building came into view. It was a rather striking little shop, with all red paint on the exterior and a sculpted wooden amber dragon holding a teacup perched on the steeply-arched tile roof. “Ginfang Tea, this is the place. Think he’s here yet? The kid says he’s lazy, so he’s probably got a pretty loose sense of time.” 

Kakuzu shook his head. “I already expressed my opinion. I don’t think he’s showing up at all. He has no reason to, nor did he state that he would.” 

“Fuck you, he’ll be here. What more of a reason does he need than blood muffins and good company?” He held up the picnic basket containing his baked monstrosities for emphasis. He needed this to be true. He needed Shikamaru to be there. 

Kakuzu quirked a brow slightly. ‘Good company...’ His partner really was delirious. Their company was about as distasteful as he expected those muffins to be, but he could see that his partner desperately needed to believe the kid would show up, so he said nothing more. He opened up the door for them both and glanced around the small tea shop. He was very surprised to see that Shikamaru had actually showed up. Even stranger was the fact that he’d brought Asuma along with him. The two were tucked into the most secluded booth the establishment had to offer, located in one of the back corners. 

Shikamaru was facing their direction and gave a small nod their way when he noticed the pair. He would never admit it, but he was also relieved to see that they showed up.

Hidan waved spastically and scuttled ahead of Kakuzu to the booth, grinning like they were old friends. “Hey, you’re early! Or are we late? We would have been here sooner, but got held up by some cocky fucks with bingo books who thought they could take us out. Too bad for them they didn’t seem to know what ‘S-class’ means, am I right?” He slid into the booth next to Shikamaru, leaving Kakuzu to awkwardly slide into the spot next to Asuma.

Asuma chuckled. “Well, I certainly know a thing or two about that. It’s no trouble, really. We’ve only been waiting for fifteen minutes or so. We were running a bit late as well, got caught up in a game of Shogi. Shikamaru here most closely associates with the knight piece. It’s the most strategic piece, and the most difficult to utilize effectively. He told me this last match that you two have your own piece associations, too. The rook for Hidan, and the bishop for Kakuzu. Both powerful pieces with movement only limited by the board’s capacity. The rook, charging head-on. The bishop, taking a more sneaky ambush tactic while the rook distracts. I’m curious, what do you gents think of Shogi? 

Hidan seemed completely carefree, clearly thinking hard about the question. “Well originally I thought it was a boring slow game for slow, crusty old men, but the piece descriptions you laid down for me and Kuzu sound badass! I might just have to try it. Never been one for the brain games, myself. I just take life as it is and roll with the punches, know what I mean?” 

Kakuzu remained wary sitting next to Asuma, prepared for any ambush that may arise. These pleasantries seemed awfully suspicious. “It is an interesting game, but I often lack intelligent company to play it with. I’ll occasionally have a match with Sasori, or Itachi. They’re the only other real brains in the Akatsuki. As you can see, my partner is an idiot.” 

Hidan’s head whipped over to glare indignantly at Kakuzu. “Hey! This again? When are you gonna give me a break, you old fuck?” 

Shikamaru couldn’t help but quirk a small grin and duck to hide a chuckle. “I mean… He’s not wrong.” 

“Oh come on, you too, kid? Looks like it’s gang up on Hidan day! Big fuckin’ surprise. You got anything you wanna add to that, Smokey?” He griped irritably at Asuma. 

Asuma gave an amused look. “Sure, here’s a piece of advice. If you want someone to stop picking on you, stop making such a show of it when they get to you.” He poured tea into the two extra empty cups at the table, and slid them over to the two Akatsuki. 

Hidan grabbed the cup that was offered and immediately took a big sip. “That’s some fucking terrible advice, I’d rather just stab most people who bother me. You and Shika are safe though. By Jashinist honor, I’m supposed to be his protector or something when I can. And he obviously cares about you, so the no stabby thing extends to you. Mmm, this is good tea! You got the signature blend, very nice.” 

“Recognized that rather quickly, do you come here often?” Asuma asked. 

“Nah, just every now and then. I’m not usually in the area, but like to come around when I am. I know the owner, she’s Jashinist too! Sometimes we have Jashinist meetups here for holidays and such. Hey Kakuzu, you’ve gotta try this! The ginseng flavor seems more prominent than last time we were here, what do you think?” 

Kakuzu shot a light glare at Hidan. Didn’t he know better? No, of course not. Well, worst case scenario he would find himself a new liver if he was poisoned. He brought the teacup under his mask and took a small sip. “Personally, I don’t taste the difference. You clearly have more sentimental attachment to this place, therefore likely have better memory on the flavors.” 

Hidan pouted slightly. “Kakuzu, you’re seriously gonna do the whole drinking under the mask thing? Just take the damn thing off! Shika’s already seen your face anyway, don’t be so shy.” 

His glare hardened slightly. Now that it was pointed out, he certainly wasn’t going to take it off. He was far too stubborn an old man to relent to the demands of this child. “No.” 

Hidan shook his head with a sigh. “Sorry about him, guys. He’s just shy because of the effect his face has on people. He’s got one of those really hot boner-popping and panty-drenching faces. Guess he’s worried that he’ll have to see the effects of that on the other patrons if he takes off the mask here.” 

Murder… he was going to murder Hidan. In a blind, heated rage, Kakuzu reverted to his old ways and simply reached out... And snapped Hidan’s neck. It was swift and gave a satisfying clean snap sound. Like a carrot. The body slumped against the table with a final grunt of betrayal. He settled back into his chair and carefully moved Hidan’s cup of tea so that he wouldn't knock it over when he came back to life.

Kakuzu cleared his throat awkwardly. “So… Some nice weather we’re having, huh?” He said in his best attempt at casual small talk. His cheeks were flushed from Hidan’s compliment, but the mask hid that nicely too.

“Oh for fuck’s sake…” Shikamaru grumbled, slapping his forehead with the palm of his hand. “You guys are such a drag.”

Asuma’s eyes widened slightly at the display, before his brows furrowed with concern. This really was the strange dynamic they were witnessing, and he wondered if it was a healthy one. He hoped Shikamaru wouldn’t take the wrong lessons from these two. Nonetheless, he continued along with the small talk. “I’d agree that it’s been very nice, yes. Just enough cloud cover to keep it cool without pouring rain. Makes the perfect scenario for fans of cloud-watching.” 

Hidan growled lowly from the table, his death a brief one. He grabbed onto his own head and snapped it back into place for healing. “You bitch!” He glared over at Kakuzu. “The fuck was that for?! What, I’m not allowed to be honest here? You want me to lie and call you fugly and scary, is that it? You’re not, and you never will be!” He shouted with the tone of an insult, despite his words being the opposite. 

Kakuzu leaned in to speak a bit quieter, but the size of the table meant they could hear everything anyway. ”No, I wouldn't like that. What I would like is for you to keep in mind my most basic discomforts, like receiving a very public compliment on any part but especially on the parts of my body I most loathe. And you somehow managed to make a compliment that, while still uncomfortable, could have been reasonably normal completely inappropriate. Don't do that. Never do that.” He whispered furiously.

Hidan also leaned in closer to meet him near the middle, switching from shouting to whisper-shouting. He refused to back down from a challenge. “Well fine then, I won’t compliment your body! You’re an incredible and loyal friend, very smart, and a bona fide shinobi on top of that!” He continued in his out of place insult tone. 

Kakuzu slammed his head against the table quite literally and quite hard. “You are actively killing me… But that was better than the last one…” He mumbled. 

Hidan smirked, straightening up on his side of the booth. He always loved winning, and considered this a victory.

Shikamaru chortled at their antics.

Asuma exchanged a look of amusement with Shikamaru, before addressing the other two. “Alright, I’m just gonna say it. How long have you two been together?” 

Hidan turned his gaze to him. “Been over two years now since we’ve been partners. Almost three, actually.” 

Asuma shook his head. “I didn’t mean to ask how long you two have known each other. What I meant is, how long have you two been a couple?” By now, he had already heard Shikamaru’s assessment of their mutual pining in denial, but was playing innocent. 

For a few moments, Hidan froze in silence with a slight look of panic, before adamantly waving his hands and shaking his head. “No no no, you got it all wrong! Me and Kakuzu are partners, as in we work together! We’re not… I mean, we’re not a couple! Why… why would you think that?” He gave an exaggerated scoff, and then an unnecessarily loud and forced-sounding laugh. 

Shikamaru put on a look of mild surprise. ”Oh man… I was kinda wondering the same. You know… With all the compliments and desperately trying to get back to each other… I guess we just thought you were a thing. And you guys would make such a great couple. Both weird in complementary ways... Huh. That's odd. I'm not normally wrong about these things.” He shrugged, playing coy while softly trying to implant the idea.

Hidan’s smile grew ever more pained. It was very difficult to continue to repress his feelings when he was more directly confronted with them. Ever since his stunted attempt at confessing his feelings to a freshly revived Kakuzu had failed horribly, he had doubled down on his repression efforts. Now, those walls threatened to crumble all over again. 

“That’s funny… we do work really well together, maybe that’s what you’re picking up on! Yeah, it’s gotta be just the partner chemistry. That’s it.” He nervously chanced a look over at Kakuzu, dreading to see his partner’s reaction but needing to know. 

Kakuzu finally brought his face back up from the table in all his stunted emotional development. “That's enough on that. How do you like being alive? Good? As shitty as you remember?” He asked Asuma without looking at him. His soul was dying.

Asuma let out a little laugh. “No, life is grand. It’s great to have the whole squad together again. I also found out recently that I’ll have a newborn kid soon. Shika’s gonna be a big brother.” He gently clasped Shikamaru’s shoulder across the table. 

Hidan gave a little smile, glad for the subject change. He tried not to let Kakuzu’s dismissal get to him, after all, it wasn’t as though he had done better in the situation himself. “Congratulations. I hear a lot of people really like those snotty little shits. Personally, I’d rather adopt mine pre-grown. Didn’t know you had a wife.” 

Asuma gave another laugh at the commentary. “Thanks, I’m excited for it. I don’t have a wife, though. Kurenai and I are just good friends, we’re not romantically compatible.” 

Hidan looked a bit surprised at first, but grinned more widely. “Nice. Sounds like you’ve got game, old man! Good on ya, not getting tied down.” 

“Well, thanks again. Some would say I’ve got game, sure.” Asuma gave a humble little shrug. “On that note, since you two aren’t together after all, I have to say. You have the most gorgeous eyes I’ve ever seen, Hidan. The color, the expressiveness, the way they light up with passion.” He flirtatiously leaned in just a bit closer. 

Kakuzu now stared at Asuma. He was considering killing him. Or dumping tea on his head in the very least. Instead, he sat quietly and glared. The energy around the table shifted to something darker.

Hidan seemed completely stunned by the comment, face steadily growing redder. “I… I… WHO WANTS MUFFINS?!” He slammed the picnic basket that was formerly on the bench onto the table and opened it up. He started passing out deep red muffins, which were rather aesthetically-pleasing and nicely packaged in decorative paper bases that were red with black triangles. 

Shikamaru stared for a moment before taking a bite. He completely froze. No chewing, no swallowing, nothing. He slowly looked up at Asuma with searing pain, telling him not to do it. The texture was mushy and it tasted coppery. It was like someone had chewed up a bunch of corn, bled in it, and then fed it to him like a baby bird. It was wholly unpleasant.

Asuma caught that look, but returned his own look of ‘we’re suffering this together,’ before taking a bite in solidarity and manners. Unlike Shikamaru, he managed to veil his reaction effectively and instead conveyed a look of intrigue. “Very nice. I’ve never tasted anything like it.” 

Lastly, Kakuzu took a bite. “Huh… Pretty good, actually.” He mumbled and took another bite.

Hidan beamed proudly, quickly overcoming his previous flustered state. “Glad ya like it! I knew you guys would. Bet you’ll never guess how I make them so red! It’s blood! Hah, just kidding, blood turns pretty dark when it’s cooked. So I actually add beet juice to give them that perfect color. It’s one of the only vegetables I like, and not for the flavor. I just think it’s neat that they bleed. What do you think, Shika?” 

Shikamaru scraped the ‘muffin’ off his tongue with his napkin as subtly as he could. “Uh… Yeah… It's… Uh, well… It's quite… Unique.” He said, trying to preserve Hidan’s feelings. “Kinda like a black pudding, almost… Is that… Is that what it is?”

Hidan nodded. “Yep, you nailed it! It’s black pudding, but in muffin form, and made with my own blood instead of some random pig’s. Hey, wait a second… that’s not a happy face, Shika. Be honest, would you prefer cupcakes over muffins? Because I also brought along some homemade icing, in case you’d rather have a cupcake.” 

Shikamaru gagged. “Oh fuck no… Sweet would not help this… No no… It's the texture. It's just so not my thing.” He shook his head. 

Hidan reared up in a slightly offended look. “Hey, I am your mother! You don’t have to be that honest with me!” 

Shikamaru looked quite shocked at his words at first, but that melted away to a grin. He never actually expected Hidan to fully claim him, but it felt oddly comforting. “Well, that's why I'm so comfortable being honest. And honestly… This is awful.” He grinned ever wider, like the Cheshire cat. He really did like screwing with people.

Hidan let out an indignant little huff. He felt an odd warmth at his blurted claim seeming to be embraced. ‘Mother’ felt like the best title to him, because he’d only ever heard of maternal figures like mother bears mercilessly ripping off people’s faces for their cubs. Fathers didn’t seem to do shit. “Alright, alright, I get it! You’re not ready for my amazing food yet. I’ve got my eye on you, ya little taint goblin.” 

Shikamaru burst out into a laugh that rang out surprisingly loud for the normally quiet boy. It was also a relief to see him so much happier and healthier looking. It appeared as though he'd gotten some sleep and proper meals since last they met and it really showed. He settled into simply smiling slightly over at him.

The silverette couldn’t help but crack a grin, wrapping his arm around Shikamaru’s shoulders. 

“If it's any consolation, I like them.” Kakuzu said, already having made quite the dent in his. He had grown rather used to, and silently fond of, Hidan’s strange cooking skills over the last little while. This was no exception.

Hidan directed an even brighter smile at his partner. “You know what, that is a genuinely great consolation. Thank you, Kakuzu.” 

The rest of the night went on with a similar, mostly lighthearted nature. They joked and teased, but also delved into deeper subjects. They’d had a genuinely pleasant evening, and arranged for another meetup the next month. 

As time passed, Kakuzu and Hidan grew ever closer. Hidan had become significantly more open since almost losing Kakuzu for good, and as a result, made relatively quick progress in tearing down the older shinobi’s defenses. Still, their mutual pining was securely repressed. As such, the revelation came as a surprise to them both. 

Hidan had been sleep-talking, as he often did, when he mumbled, “Love you, Kuzu. Yer a good heathen.” 

Kakuzu had been lying awake, in the throws of considering life, the universe, and everything, thus immediately looked over at his sleeping partner with alarm. Rather than letting him sleep and dwelling on the implications of those words, he jerked Hidan awake to confront him. “You love me?” He spoke in a stern, interrogating voice the moment Hidan’s eyes blearily snapped open. 

“Obviously, dumbass! Whaddaya want from me, I’m sleepin’ here.” He slurred back, freezing as the words each of them had spoken caught up with him. He was suddenly wide awake. “Fuck... did I mention I’m bad with subtlety?” He seemed nervous, but didn’t break eye contact. His partner looked upset... was he angry with him? Was this the end of everything they'd built…?

Kakuzu stared down at him, expression still hardened as though planning out the steps in a battle. His thoughts were running a mile a minute, carefully calculating Hidan’s expressions as well as his own next moves. So, he really did mean it. Hidan loved him. Now all he had to do was realize whether he felt the same. He recalled the warmth directed at him underneath those cocky smiles Hidan gave. The way Hidan would give gentle pets and tickles to the sentient masks on Kakuzu’s back when he thought he wasn’t looking. The way he made long journeys bearable through his familiar chattering and occasional singing outbursts. The way his own hearts ached when he considered what it would be like to lose him… It hit Kakuzu like a rather large, wet fish. It was uncomfortable but entirely undeniable. He was in love with Hidan.

Kakuzu’s mind was made up and he shattered the growing tension by swiftly leaning down and pressing a firm, decisive kiss to Hidan’s lips. He was positive of his feelings for this fool and wasn't going to let another moment go by without him knowing that.

Hidan let out a small squeak of surprise, but soon returned the kiss with a heated passion. He wrapped his arms firmly around Kakuzu’s neck and kissed him as if his life depended on it, adding a nearly insatiable hunger to the action. It felt like their lips were oxygen and they would suffocate if they separated. The kiss was messy and involved frequent teeth clashing, as neither of them were in practice, but the passion more than made up for any discomfort. 

Eventually Kakuzu pulled away, keeping close while allowing them time to breathe. He gently leaned their foreheads together, but pulled away a bit more when Hidan made a lunge for his lips. “Hidan...” He chastised with a soft chuckle. This was the dork he loved, after all. He signed up for this.

“Kuzuuu, why’d you stop?” Hidan whined like a child.

“I’m giving you time to think. Are you sure you want to do this?” 

He grinned devilishly. “Do what exactly, hmm~?” 

“Commit to a relationship.” He stated simply. he needed Hidan to take him seriously.

Hidan blinked in surprise. “That’s... not what I was expecting you to say. You’re a big mush under all that gruff, know that?” 

“I’m not interested in any of that ‘friends with benefits’ or ‘polyamory’ nonsense kids are up to these days. It’s all in or nothing. And I’m warning you, I don’t get better than this. You know me, so you know what you’d be getting yourself into. I leave the decision to you.” 

Hidan held a hand over his mouth slightly as he bit back a little laugh, eyes twinkling with amusement. “Oh yeah, the nerve of kids these days. That’s an easy decision, Kuzu. Since you’re laying down the option, of course I want an actual relationship. Thought you were supposed to be the smart one, that should have been obvious.” 

“Obvious? This coming from the imbecile who thought I simply wanted to sleep with him.” 

“Like I said, you’re the smart one! And I’m the cute one.” He winked. “Well, you’re pretty cute too. A close runner-up.” He slowly ran a hand down Kakuzu’s chest, that mischievous glimmer returning to those eyes.

Kakuzu grabbed his wrist and shook his head when the hand reached abdominal level. “Date first, Hidan.” He laid back down next to him. “You’re a terrible priest.” 

He let out a little huff of irritation, but respected the request and withdrew his hands. “Oy, I’m an amazing priest! It’s not like Jashinist priests take an oath of celibacy, Jashin’s too much of a fun god to make us do that shit. Me being a virgin is only because I haven’t found anyone worth so much as batting an eye at, it's entirely by choice. Before you say anything, fuck you in advance, it’s nothing to be ashamed about.” 

Kakuzu hummed slightly. “I’m surprised I didn’t see that sooner. Makes sense. But you certainly were batting your eyes at me.” 

“Once again, fuck you. Obviously you’re the exception. Congrats, you’re unreasonably attractive and just my type. Only one who’s ever fit that demanding bill. Don’t let it get to your head, you know you’re just as into me.” 

“Yes, I suppose I am.” He replied more quietly. 

Hidan grinned and reached out, softly trailing the stitches along his arm. “Aww, you’re shy~! Who gave you permission to be this fuckin’ adorable?” 

“Go to sleep, Hidan.” Kakuzu gruffed, grateful that the darkness and his skin tone did favors in hiding the blush that arose.

“Hey, Kakuzu.” He waited for several seconds, and when silence greeted him he poked the man. “Hey, Kuzu.” This time he got a small grunt in return, and continued. “You’re 92 now, and I’m 23. I knew destiny had a reason for making our ages 69 years apart.”

“Dating aside, I’m still not above killing you.”

He chuckled at the threat. “Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Together at last! I hope you enjoyed the tea shop scene, it was a last minute addition. Don’t worry, Asuma was just trying to make Kakuzu jealous with that little flirt to Hidan! All according to Shikamaru’s master plan. ;) Up next, the sin you’ve been waiting for~! With fluff for dessert.


	4. Blasphemy to the Highest Degree

Back to the present...

\----

Kakuzu was snapped out of his reading by the sound of crunching bone, and saw that Hidan had jammed a dagger through the body’s upper ribcage. He didn’t normally touch a body after a ritual, so this caught his partner’s attention. “Whatever you’re doing, don’t damage the head.” 

“Yeah yeah, bounty bullshit, I get it. I just gotta grab something real quick.” He split open the sternum with a last sickening crack and shoved his hand into the cavity, yanking and cutting out a few organs. 

Kakuzu returned his attention to the magazine, shaking his head slightly. Perhaps those would be for dinner. He had to admit, he didn’t mind Hidan’s occasional cooking of the free meat they could get from a kill. He made quite an impressive chef when they had kitchen access. Morality aside. 

About half an hour later, Hidan scuttled over holding something that was dripping with blood. He proudly presented the monstrosity to his partner. “Ta-da! Happy partner-versary!” 

Kakuzu lowered the magazine and looked at what Hidan held. It was the modified heart of the victim, displayed on its side with the thicker upper end facing forward. Six smaller ribs poked out of slices on the upper back, with skin stretched out across them connecting the bones in makeshift wings. Four feet made from chunks of liver dangled on small intestine legs, tied carefully to the feet and heart body by knots tied through cuts. The tail was a tube of intestine tied off at the end to make a smaller tip. The head was a kidney placed horizontally, with curved ends facing up. Bone shard horns had been placed in each end. It was attached to the heart by a thick sliver of bone stuck through both organs. Eyes that looked cartoonishly angry and a happy smile were carved into it.

Kakuzu stared at the presented gift for several moments, probably longer than normal, before taking it. It was an absolute monstrosity, but beautiful in a way, and so uniquely Hidan. There was no way he couldn’t love it. He also couldn’t ignore the fluttering of his own hearts. He wasn't given hearts often and honestly… This was grotesquely adorable. “It’s... perfect. Thank you.” 

Hidan smiled brightly, such an angelic smile that seemed out of place on his thoroughly blood-splattered face. “You really think so? I’ll preserve it for you! He’ll be a bit smaller and more wrinkly after, but that way you can keep him without worrying about rotting.” 

“Very good. Now, to the collection office.” He strode over to the partially disemboweled corpse and slung it over his shoulder with his free hand. 

Hidan reached out towards him. “Hey, I think this counts as some kind of romantic moment. Lemme hold your hand.” 

“My hands are occupied, Hidan.” He replied matter-of-factly, beginning the walk to the luckily nearby bounty collector. 

I’ve got two hands, I’ll hold the little guy for you. The cute one, not the filthy heathen.” 

“We’ll be at the collector’s soon.” 

“What do I look like, a basic bitch? I don’t mean cutesy hand holding, I mean give me your actual hand and detach it from your body so I can hold it.” 

“Hm... very well.” Kakuzu offered over the heart creature, which Hidan carefully took, then held out his hand, which he detached at the forearm stitch line. He retracted the tendrils that held the two parts together, enabling him to take it. 

Hidan seemed very content, tucking the detached hand against his chest. After only a few moments of walking quietly, he predictably broke the silence. “Hey Kakuzu, do you think we’re killing enough people? It’s been pretty quiet lately. I know I’ve said this plenty of times before, but anything less than total destruction is a sin. Slaughter is my calling from Lord Jashin. I know you’re a blasphemer who doesn’t believe in truth, but hypothetically if you were, do you think he’d be... disappointed in me?” 

“Hypothetically, if I did believe in your imaginary friend...” He ignored the snarl that escaped Hidan’s throat. “I would focus more on quality than quantity. What good is mass slaughter when you can’t take each killing as a sacred experience? These days, a higher ratio of your kills than ever before are ritual sacrifices. Each is meticulously performed with intention. That means that the overall quality of your kills is higher. To put it plainly, as production of a good or service by any single specialized individual decreases, quality increases. It’s simple economics. Our current mode of operation improves your ‘total destruction’ from a religious perspective.” 

Hidan visibly relaxed. “That’s actually a really good point. Thanks, Kakuzu. Now that you mention it, I really have been outdoing myself in the rituals lately. I’ve been letting them last longer, and drawing out the agony in new and exciting ways! Remember the pinecone of death?” 

Kakuzu was impressed that his little speech had worked, considering he’d largely bullshitted his way through all but the economic portions. He was glad to see his partner reassured in their more survival-effective work strategy. “Yes, I remember the pinecone.” He couldn’t forget how bizarre it was that for the aforementioned ritual, Hidan had thought the most effective way to draw out terror and pain in his victim was to mutilate and eventually kill himself (and by connection the victim) with nothing but a particularly sharp pinecone he’d taken a liking to. Even the jaded collections office staff had seemed both impressed and disturbed at the damage to the body they’d received. He really was an eccentric man. 

Although Kakuzu was genuinely glad to relieve some of Hidan’s concerns, that familiar irritation sparked within. Hidan’s god seemed like the center of his universe. It had always irritated Kakuzu. Hidan’s religion had always slowed them down. He had to stop to pray several times a day, as well as regularly perform various sacrificial and non-sacrificial rituals for his god. Not only that, it grew incredibly tiresome to be nagged about Jashinism and how much of a ‘heathen’ and ‘blasphemer’ he was on repeat. Now, in addition to those same reasons, there was jealousy. There was no reason some aloof ‘god’ who may or may not be real should be the most important man in Hidan’s life, not after he’d made that commitment to Kakuzu. Kakuzu’s plotting to overthrow Jashin’s reign continued as Hidan prattled on about his favorite torture techniques. 

After the pair had turned in the body and collected the bounty, Hidan managed to convince Kakuzu to explore the town they’d found themselves in. It was an older area, slightly run-down but culturally vibrant. As they walked in the more public spaces, crowds parted away from them everywhere they went. Realizing the risks of drawing too much attention, Kakuzu checked the bag he’d placed the heart creature into. No, it wasn’t leaking blood. His demeanor was always a more intimidating one, but that didn’t tend to make for such dramatic evasive maneuvers. He looked to Hidan next. That’s right... he had grown so used to seeing his partner head-to-toe in blood that he sometimes didn’t remember to remind him to wash off. He shouldn’t have to keep reminding this child. Without warning, he dragged Hidan to the nearby fountain and chucked him into it, relishing in the alarmed scream that was earned in flight. 

Hidan popped out of the water, which was already looking like a bloodbath. “WHAT THE FUCK, KAKUZU?! I’M GONNA KILL Y-“ 

Unfazed by the tantrum, Kakuzu shoved him back in and proceeded to waterboard his partner until he eventually stopped shouting and got the message, resentfully rinsing himself off. The display was certainly more eye-catching in the short-term, but looking semi-presentable would do them favors in the long-term. Not to mention, it was highly satisfying for Kakuzu. By the time he allowed Hidan to leave the fountain, looking like a miserable drenched cat, the water that circulated through the fountain was a deep red. 

Hidan was disheveled, his typically slicked-back silver hair now falling in his eyes. He directed a bitter glare at his partner. “I’m gonna get you back for that, you old fuck. My revenge will strike with the wrath of a thousand giant centipedes. Just you wait, it’ll be nightmare fuel for years to come!” He harnessed his seldom-used fire chakra nature to evaporate the water in a cloud of steam, which succeeded in drying him, but also in making his hair fluff up in spiky tufts. 

Kakuzu let out a quiet snort of laughter. He always loved it when Hidan’s hair was disheveled. “I look forward to your attempt. Try not to take it too personally when I mock you for your failure.” 

“Ohh you’re just begging to die!” He growled. Despite the threats, he tried to calm himself, knowing that Kakuzu would quickly shut down a sparring match in such a crowded area. Finally taking note of his unkempt hair, he quickly smoothed it down in a still messy but acceptable style. “You didn’t see that.” 

“Mmhm. Do you want to see the city or not?” 

“Yeah... I’ll murder you later.” He bumped and rubbed his side slightly against him like a weird cat. Kakuzu had always considered Hidan quite cat-like, considering his affinity for bringing him dead things and destroying furniture when bored.

“I’m sure you will. But for every heart you might manage to take, I’m stealing one of yours.” He gave him a soft, subtle pet to the lower back, then continued walking. 

—-

After a full day out, Hidan’s first order of business upon checking into the next inn was preserving the organ creature he’d made. He had taken to calling it ‘Kakutwo,’ as he had explained, short for Kakuzu II. He rinsed out the excess fluids, then prepared an alcohol soak for the first phase. He also took this time to preserve his bean sprout, placing the adorable plant in its own mini vial. Once he finished, he slunk into the bedroom, where Kakuzu was sitting up against the headboard reading a book. Hidan sauntered over with all the confidence in the world and sat right in Kakuzu’s lap, wrapping his arms around his neck as he straddled him. He pressed closer, forcing the book out of reading range. “Heya, Kuzu...” he practically cooed in a playful tone. “Ya know how I said I’d get back at you for waterboarding me earlier? I changed my mind, I’ll be good.” He leaned in and gave several little kisses to his neck. 

Kakuzu set the book down, fixing a suspicious look on his partner. Hidan always had something planned when he spoke that way. He hardened his skin in an instant, just in time as Hidan bit forcefully onto his neck. He chuckled at the low growl of frustration in his partner’s throat, jaws still locked on despite the metal-hard skin. It was clear he had intended for that bite to cut deep. So, he was in one of those rougher moods. Good, that would make Kakuzu’s plans for the night better. “Don’t break your teeth again, Hidan.” He chastised with a smirk. 

Hidan released his neck to retort. “You think you win? Ohh no, I’m just getting started! I’m gonna cut you to pieces!” He scraped his nails down Kakuzu’s back, scratching around where the masks were. Since his skin was still hardened, however, the action didn’t leave the red marks intended. 

“You miscalculated, as usual. You think you are owed revenge, when in reality it is the other way around. You have blasphemed, with an infidelity that is punishable to the highest degree.” 

Hidan shivered softly at the religious term, but gave a confused look. “Blasphemed? Infidelity... wait, do you think I cheated on you or some shit like that? No! I don’t know why the fuck you’d imagine that. And you know blasphemy only refers to sacrilegious acts, right? It’s not a term to be used lightly.” 

“I am well aware. But your infidelity has been sacrilegious. You have failed to understand who your true god is.” 

“You’re losing your mind, old man, my god is obviously Lord Jash-“ Before he could finish the name, Kakuzu covered his mouth and lunged forward, pushing Hidan down on the mattress. Hidan let out a little yelp and blinked up at him with surprise. 

Kakuzu leaned in closely, vibrant green and red eyes burning into Hidan’s own. “No, I said your true god. I am your god now.”

Hidan let out an outraged grunt through his nose and tried to shake his head, but was effectively stilled by the firm hand still clamped over his mouth. 

“Haven’t seen the light yet?” He clicked his tongue disapprovingly. “What a heathen you are. Don’t you fret, by the time I’m done with you, you’ll be praying my name like your salvation depends on it.” 

A more visible shiver of guilty pleasure ran over Hidan’s body. He slowly blinked, and left those captivating purple eyes half-lidded with desire when they opened. He snapped out of it a moment later, look of desire replaced with a glare of fiery resistance. He cursed his traitorous body, and knew that Kakuzu had realized his excitement. He was determined not to let it show again; he wouldn’t let Kakuzu win this one. 

Kakuzu smirked victoriously. Satisfied that he was already at the advantage, he deactivated his defensive jutsu. He uncovered Hidan’s mouth, instead pinning his wrists over his head. “Safe word?” He asked more softly. 

Hidan blushed, clearly quite flustered at the combination of rough and sweet. “I dunno, uh... tax evasion?” 

“Bad safe word, pick something that isn’t a turn on.” 

He let out a short laugh. “You kinky bastard. Alright, marshmallow. That’s my pick.” 

He gave a hum of confirmation, then pinned him harder, gripping more tightly onto his wrists and pressing his body against Hidan’s. “Shall we begin our congregation?” 

Hidan grunted softly at the pressure from Kakuzu’s heavy metal frame. “Listen you old fuck, I don’t know how you expect this to go, but there ain’t no way in hell I’m praying to you. You’re the furthest thing from a god this mortal plane of existence has to offer, aside from maybe Pein.” A smug grin reached his face. 

“The more you blaspheme, the more you will need to repent.” Kakuzu growled sternly. The stitches covering his body loosened, allowing long metal tendrils to erupt from underneath his skin. The wires quickly got to work stripping Hidan while Kakuzu continued to hold him down. 

Hidan writhed and tugged at the restraints, continuing to glare challengingly at his partner as he was undressed. He made a lunge and snapped his teeth hard at Kakuzu’s face, but wasn’t close enough to land the bite. Things could get dangerous when Hidan was this feisty; Kakuzu would have to shut that down quickly.

“Testy today, aren’t you? Spiritual cleansing can be a very difficult process for those who resist.” He grabbed Hidan’s hair and yanked it back to forcefully tilt his head up, eliciting a grunt of pain from the man beneath. He removed the stitches on his cheeks, opened his mouth wider than was humanly possible, then bit down hard on the side of his neck. His teeth broke the skin and continued deep into the muscle. 

Hidan let out a loud scream, which quickly dissolved into a breathy moan. “K-Kakuzu...” he whimpered through the bite. The sight of his lover embracing his more monstrous abilities only served to intensify his excitement. He writhed frantically, now in an attempt at gaining friction instead of fighting.

He released his neck from the bite, blood dripping from his mouth. He pushed Hidan’s head back at face to face level, and locked eyes with him as he licked from one corner of his cheek, to his lips, then up to the other cheek. He lapped up the blood, drawing the red fluid into his mouth. 

Hidan gasped shakily at the sight, captivated by the scene before him. He made a more deliberate effort to grind his hips up against him, but huffed in frustration when the tendrils restraining him blocked the movement. 

Kakuzu could feel that Hidan was already half-hard against him. The younger man really was easy to rile up. He inspected the wide bite mark he’d left, satisfied by its depth and the streams of blood it leaked. He could see it already starting to heal, however. “Your false god would have me unable to mark you. But as your true god, I dishonor his desires. I will mark you as I please, and you will wear this sign of your devotion.” One of the tendrils from his forearm sewed through the fresh bite, leaving stitches in the shape of the teeth marks. 

Hidan yelped slightly at the puncturing sensation on already raw flesh. “You can’t- ah! You can’t make me keep those, I could just cut ‘em out...” 

“Conceivably you could, but you won’t. You’re mine, and mine alone.” The tendril snipped itself off, leaving a perfect impression of the bite even as the wound itself healed shut. 

“Fuck... alright, maybe I won’t cut them out, but it’s not because you’re my god, got that?” 

“Oh yes, it is. What has your imaginary friend ever done for you? Perhaps he was all you had some time long ago, but now he is obsolete. Was Jashin the one who sewed your pieces back together every time you were foolishly sliced or blown to bits?” 

He let out another little huff. “Not technically, but he did allow the pieces to come back together properly.” He yelped as he was promptly punished with a tendril whip to the inner thigh. 

“Was Jashin the one who blocked Kakashi Hatake from striking you through the heart with Chidori? Answer wisely.” He leaned back and sat up, hooking his hands under Hidan’s legs and lifting him slightly. 

“N-no, but- AH!” Another hard whip lash struck skin, this time on his exposed ass. 

“Repent.” He demanded. 

His breaths came shakily, stricken by the combination of pain and arousal. “F-fuck... it was... it was you... Kakuzu...” 

“That’s right. And who is the one who always takes care of you?” 

“You... but Jashin takes care of me in other ways! He’s still with me.” He continued resolutely. 

“Oh, Hidan. If only you’d learned.” He wrapped a thin rope of tendrils around his partner’s balls and squeezed. This earned him quite the cry, as Hidan teetered uncomfortably between pain and pleasure. “It appears I’m going to have to enlighten you in other ways.” Two more tendrils snaked their way to the younger man’s nipples, giving them a similar treatment. 

“Dammit Kakuzu, I’m gonna kill you for this!” He snarled, tugging against the wires with renewed vigor. He let out several more cries as Kakuzu gave multiple lashes to his ass and inner thighs. 

After quite the torturous session, Kakuzu eased the pressure around the sensitive parts he’d grasped, and started stroking with a pressure that was now just a little bit too firm. “Such a fuss, but your god is a merciful one. Your needs will be met, all in due time.” He pulled a kunai out from his tool pouch, and pressed the blade into the sternum between Hidan’s pectorals. Hidan hissed as the blade was slowly dragged down in a straight line until it reached the naval area. The slice was relatively shallow, but just enough to produce a trickle of blood. Kakuzu ran a hand down the incision, mopping up the blood. He then lowered the unconventionally-lubricated hand to the other’s cock, grasping it and giving firm strokes up and down. 

Hidan threw his head back and moaned, tears prickling in his eyes from the long-delayed relief. “Yes yes yes... Kuzu, c’mon...” 

Another rope of tendrils dipped into the blood pool left behind at the now sealed incision site, and lowered between Hidan’s legs. The warm wires slid between the spread cheeks and teased in a circular pattern around his rim, coaxing a series of unintelligible words and hums from his lips. After the short period of teasing, they slipped inside, coiling and stretching their way through tight walls as they progressed ever deeper. Hidan let out a long whine at the invasion, now attempting to push both forward and backward into each form of stimulation. Although still bound, his frustration was minimized by the unhindered attention. He jolted and arched his back with a particularly loud cry as the wires within brushed against his prostate, overly sensitized by the indulging treatment. 

Kakuzu twisted the tendrils very deliberately, moving around that sweet spot but not quite touching it again. “Hidan.” He spoke in a low voice. “Who is your god?” 

He blinked dazedly, attempting to recover his mind. Once again snapped back into the situation, he scoffed between pants. “Lord Jashin.” 

“Wrong.” He firmly wrapped a tendril around the base of his partner’s cock, and removed the pleasuring hand. Several more tendrils slipped inside Hidan, joining the others and simultaneously pressing hard against that sweet spot. 

He let out a loud scream at the first press, and continued to mewl and cry out as the overstimulation continued. The tendrils moved back and forth, always returning to that spot in an unrelenting barrage. He could feel himself getting close. Just as he was about to climax, the wire around his cock tightened, preventing the much needed release. At the same time, Kakuzu unlatched his jaw again and delivered a deep bite to his inner thigh. 

“KAKUZU!” Hidan screamed his name out desperately. “Please, I need... fuck, I need you! Please, let me...” 

“Who is your god?” Kakuzu asked again, louder this time. 

Hidan’s resolve finally crumbled. “Kakuzu! You... you’re my god! Please... please, my Lord, my god...” 

“Good boy.” He practically purred. He removed the restricting wire and continued stroking him inside and out at a rapid pace. 

He trembled heavily, panting and squeaking growing more intense at each stroke until he finally released, loudly moaning Kakuzu’s name through the climax. He came into the older shinobi’s hand, Kakuzu managing to contain most of the mess within his palm through proper timing. As Hidan blinked the stars out of his eyes, his panting slowed and his body relaxed. He continued to tremble ever so softly as smaller waves of satisfaction continued to wrack his body. He gave a slightly loopy smile down at Kakuzu. 

With Hidan’s eyes dazed, composure dashed, and a light sheen of sweat coating that splayed muscular form, he was quite the sight to behold. Kakuzu had him right where he wanted him, and was finally done waiting. “Clean this up.” He held his hand up to Hidan’s lips.

Hidan slowly blinked a few more times, before nodding and slowly licking his own seed off Kakuzu’s palm. He then licked his way up his index finger and took it into his mouth, sucking and swirling his tongue along the digit. 

Kakuzu enjoyed the sensation for a few moments, ignoring the tightness in his own pants. He then slowly slipped the finger out from his lover’s mouth. “Tell me... what do you want to do for your god?” 

Hidan’s face flushed with a whole new blush. “I... I want to make sacrifices for you. And devote myself to serving you.” 

“Very good. And which of those would you like to do now?” 

“S-serve you... how may I serve, Lord Kakuzu?” He still seemed a bit flustered, but had submitted to giving in this time. 

“I think you already know.” Kakuzu withdrew the army of tendrils that had been restraining Hidan for all that time. He grabbed hold of his sides, and pulled him up into a sitting position so that they were face to face. 

Hidan wobbled a bit before adjusting to the upright position. His eyes drifted down instinctively. He bit his lip softly as he observed the tension in his partner’s pants. “My Lord, might you please bless me with your grace? My greatest need is to behold you in your entirety.” 

Kakuzu felt an added burst of satisfaction at the prayer talk. Although it was strange to hear Hidan speaking in such a formal and respectful way, from what he had overheard of Hidan’s countless prayers, this was usually how he spoke to Jashin. “You have repented for your sinful ways. I will grant you this request.” He stripped out of his own clothing, starting with the shirt and then more carefully slipping out of his pants and boxers. He sat back up straight, and crisscrossed his legs in as dignified a posture as he could manage with a strained erection. 

Hidan leaned against him, gently running his hands down Kakuzu’s chest and back. “Thank you, most sacred one. Your generosity knows no bounds. One day, the world shall crumble before your feet. I will be the one to conquer and cleanse this blasphemous world in your righteous name. But for now, the least I can do is find myself before your feet.” 

He backed up a bit, propping himself up on his elbows and knees, ass up in the air with his back provocatively arched and head down between Kakuzu’s legs. He started with a long lick from base to tip of his cock, then swirled his tongue over the head. He imbibed the head into his mouth, giving gentle sucks in combination with tongue flicks. He let out a soft hum as one of Kakuzu’s hands made its way into his hair, a sign of approval. His fingers grasped more tightly at the vibrating hum, giving a little tug to the silver hair. Hidan gave a soft moan around his cock at the hair pulling, and then suddenly began a quick descent onto the member. He expertly shifted to the best angle, and deep-throated him until he fully encompassed him. His throat reflexively contracted in protest at the well-endowed intrusion. 

Kakuzu hunched slightly, curling into the immense pleasure of that warm, wet cavern. Opposite to his partner, he was naturally silent in intimate moments, but the acceleration and harder pace of his breathing was audible. He petted Hidan’s head, then gave another encouraging tug on his hair. “Good. Keep going.” 

Hidan gave a heavy swallow, then made his way back up. He panted through his nose as oxygen was returned, giving several sucks to the head before dropping back down and getting into a rhythm. He teased his tongue along the shaft as he worked his way up and down, taking great satisfaction in the soft grunts he occasionally earned. After several minutes of that steady pace, he picked up the intensity by remaining in deep-throat, making it so that his upward motions were shorter and removed less from his mouth. As his lungs started to burn from the lack of oxygen, the muscles in his throat spasmed with increasing intensity. As a semi-immortal, Hidan was capable of easily withstanding a variety of normally lethal conditions. Even as he started to grow dizzy and lightheaded, he remained conscious through the voluntary self-choking, and his efforts were soon rewarded. 

“Hidan...” Kakuzu rasped out, urgency in his voice alerting that he was close. 

Hidan gave another hard swallow, then very carefully scraped his teeth against the underside of his cock on the way up. 

The scraping was all that was needed to drive Kakuzu over the edge. He let out a low, quiet moan as he unloaded right down Hidan’s throat, grasping more tightly onto him.

Hidan resisted the powerful urge to gasp and cough, instead swallowing everything he had to offer. Once finished, he finally popped off and took a deep breath. After the initial breath, he coughed slightly and then panted as his body demanded a catch-up on breathing. He looked up at his lover with still dazed eyes. “Have I served you well thus far, my Lord?” 

Kakuzu nodded slowly, still breathing heavily as he recovered. “Yes... you have done very well thus far. As such, I will offer you a blessing in return. Now, back on your hands and knees for prayer.” 

Hidan nodded and obediently dropped back to his hands and knees, shifting where Kakuzu directed him with guiding hands on his hips. His face flushed a deeper red as he was shifted to face away from Kakuzu. He glanced back over his shoulder at the larger man, breath hitching in anticipation as he saw several metal tendrils snake their way out of Kakuzu’s mouth. 

Kakuzu met his gaze and directed a grin over at him, before his face disappeared down below. “Pray like you mean it. You’ll be punished if you don’t.” He grasped more firmly onto Hidan’s lower hips, used his thumbs to spread the cheeks, and plunged his tongue right into him. He gave a low chuckle at the yelp and then needy moan his actions brought from the younger man. His tongue continued in deeper, swirling and curling in an alternating pattern while the tendrils from his mouth took their own course. A few wires teased around the rim, while the rest joined his tongue inside and slid in further than it was capable of. The tendrils soon located his sensitive spot, and flickered lightly across it. 

Hidan let out another cry, pushing his hips back against Kakuzu. He began his prayer through strained pants. “Kakuzuuu...p-please bless me... bless me with your divine light. Ahhh... may you penetrate into my very being so thoroughly, that I will always feel your presence. I pray that every day and night I have the good grace of witnessing your sacred soul, and your divine might. For you are... you are truly with me in every sense. With me in every way... may we always be one, for should the fates ever again try to drive us apart, no force in existence would be capable of quelling my wrath. No being regardless of power would be able to stop me from returning to your side. Faithfully yours, and yours alone. You, who are true. Who are ever present. Who are always caring. Oh holy one, my love for you is never-ending.” 

Kakuzu felt his hearts fluttering, surprised by how very genuine Hidan sounded. He renewed his efforts, flickering his tongue more rapidly and pressing tendrils rewardingly into his sweet spot. 

Hidan cried out louder, losing his eloquence in the elation. “Kuzuuu... fuck, Kakuzu... don’t stop, don’t stop, please...” With little warning, he threw his head back and screamed, coming to his second release. His vocalizations converted to steady whines as Kakuzu continued his ministrations despite his oversensitivity. He twitched and shivered, body protesting the relentless stimulus. “Kuzu... ah! You’re k-killing me...” 

Kakuzu hummed, withdrawing his tongue but leaving the tendrils inside. “I need you to be ready for me, Hidan. Soon your conversion will be made official.” He wriggled his tongue back into him, savoring the responding shaky moan. He reached between Hidan’s legs and stroked his cock in time with his oral motions, satisfied that it was quickly twitching back to life for a third round. As the younger shinobi’s whimpers returned to more eager whines, Kakuzu released him and withdrew his tongue and tendrils. 

Hidan again looked back over his shoulder at him. The lust was strikingly evident in the priest’s purple eyes. “C’mon, Kuzu... I’m so ready for you. Take me to your temple.” He pushed back towards him for emphasis. 

Kakuzu let out a soft hum in thought, then re-seized Hidan’s hips and flipped him over in one fluid motion. Now that Hidan was in a sweeter, less bitey mood, Kakuzu would rather be able to watch his face as he fell apart. 

Hidan let out a small squeak as he bounced onto his back, the mattress cushioning his fall nicely. He had reflexively curled up his legs, but now let them spread apart as he looked up at Kakuzu. “I’m all yours, babe. Time to finish this conversion. Fill me up with your teachings.” 

Kakuzu let out another soft hum as he crawled over him, pressing their bodies together. He leaned in and kissed him, the action heated with passion that his partner gladly returned. 

Hidan wrapped an arm around Kakuzu’s neck through the kiss, and wrapped his legs around his waist. His other hand slid down the larger man’s back, fingernails gently catching on his stitches as they scraped their way along the fault lines in his skin. He gave a soft pet to each of the four masks on his back, breaking away from the kiss to giggle as the fire mask sucked his fingers into its mouth. “Torchie, now might not be the best time, cutie.” 

Kakuzu shook his head with a fond little smile and reached back to help pluck Hidan’s hand out from the mask’s mouth. “You know things get out of hand when you invite them into the bedroom. Best not to tease them.” 

Hidan snickered, holding up the hand that he’d just retrieved. “Out of... hand?” 

Kakuzu gave him a deadpan look, and started to pull away. 

“Nooo, Kuzu come back! I’m sorry!” He laughed, wrapping his limbs tighter around him. “Please, my Lord? I promise I’ll take my conversion more seriously now.” He started kissing his neck. 

Kakuzu sighed. “Very well.” He suddenly pressed hard up against him, grinding their hips together in fluid motions. 

Hidan gasped and frantically ground back, delighted by the renewed friction. 

Kakuzu patted one of Hidan’s knees, indicating for him to loosen his thigh grapple. When he’d done as silently asked, Kakuzu hooked a hand under one of Hidan’s legs at the knee, and lifted his hips slightly off the mattress. He used a rope of tendrils to lift up his other knee, evening him out, then shifted to instead grinding between his cheeks. 

Hidan let his head loll back, eyes half-lidded as he watched his partner with a new wave of anticipation. He continued scraping his nails along his back, still focusing mainly on the stitches but now avoiding the parts where the metal threads tied the masks into Kakuzu’s skin. He wiggled his hips, attempting to guide Kakuzu to his target. 

Kakuzu didn’t keep him waiting for long. After a series of teasing grinds, he pressed the tip of his cock against the ring of muscle, then slowly began pushing his way inside. 

Hidan hissed softly at the stretch. With his rapid healing ability, the fit was always tight no matter how much prep work they did. Still, craving more, he pushed harder back against Kakuzu, forcing him in more. He let out a strangled moan at the sensation, eyes squeezing shut. 

Kakuzu gave a surprised little grunt at Hidan’s impatient push. He got the message and started pushing in more rapidly with a series of quick thrusts. 

Hidan moaned more loudly at the speedy entrance. He gave a series of squeaks and twitched his legs rapidly as Kakuzu’s notable girth created an effortless brush against his sweet spot. Once his lover was in deep enough, there was little escaping that sensation. “Praise Lord Kakuzu...” The phrase escaped his lips without resistance. 

Kakuzu shivered slightly, loving the blatant blasphemy against Lord Jashin. “That’s it, let the cleansing continue.” Before he was fully seated, he pulled partially out and gave a hard thrust into him, skin colliding with a smack. 

Hidan screamed in ecstasy, arching his back and digging his nails slightly into him. “Oh god, yes! Kakuzu, please cleanse me! Ah, fuck! Make me... ahhh... make me whole!” He continued to breathlessly chant his praises between cries as the powerful thrusts grew steady, Kakuzu hammering into him relentlessly. 

As Kakuzu eventually felt himself getting closer to the edge, he re-angled himself to deliberately press hard into Hidan’s sensitive spot with each thrust. This earned him a particularly loud shriek and a contraction of Hidan’s muscles, including the inner walls. Determined to come last, lest he later be teased about his age, he persevered through the tightening and thrusted harder still. It wasn’t long after before Hidan climaxed, spilling his load on their stomachs. “KAKUZU!” He cried out his name with all the reverence of a prayer. 

Kakuzu came hard only a moment after Hidan, letting out his own growl-like moan as he filled him up with the warm fluid. He slowed his thrusts to a stop, both of them taking a moment to recover. He leaned his forehead against Hidan’s, sharing heavy breaths and enjoying a rare moment of relative silence. 

As usual, Hidan was the one who broke the silence. “Hey, Kuzu... wanna go again?” His stamina both in and out of battle was legendary. He slowly blinked up at him with a seductive grin, still dazed from the last satisfying round but nonetheless desiring more. 

Kakuzu knew he shouldn’t be surprised. There were times when he unleashed the elemental mask creatures from his back to have a go at Hidan between rounds to ensure that his demanding lover was fully satisfied. Tonight, however, he was feeling up to the challenge. 

Several rounds later, Hidan finally relented to the suggestion of much-needed rest. By this point, they were both completely spent. Hidan let out a little groan at the rush of fluid that escaped him when Kakuzu pulled out. Ignoring the plethora of different bodily fluids coating the both of them, Hidan snuggled closer and Kakuzu wrapped his arms around him. They could wait until morning to clean up. 

Hidan nestled snugly against his partner, tucking his head up beneath Kakuzu’s neck. The all-encompassing embrace of his protective love was one of the few places he felt truly safe. And luckily, this was a place he could easily take with him. Or more accurately, follow along with. Regardless of who made the plans and who followed along, they worked well together. They always had, even back when they resented each other upon first being assigned as partners. Now that they understood each other and had grown a deep care for one another, their teamwork and chemistry were unrivaled. Hidan was quiet for several minutes, thinking back through their shared history. As he thought, he absentmindedly stroked the bite stitches Kakuzu had left in his neck. He’d always loved the texture, and was happy to now have a mark for show rather than the usual removal after healing. “Hey, Kuzu?” 

Kakuzu jostled out of the light sleep he’d fallen into. “Mm?” 

“I love you.” He spoke softly and genuine, looking up into his eyes to make sure he knew he meant it. 

Kakuzu briefly looked down a bit bashfully before returning the eye contact. “I love you too,” He said softly, and he really did. After everything that had gone wrong in his life, all the people he had lost, and the hope that died with it all, he finally found something to live for. Hidan was everything he had needed, even if he didn't know it at the start. He felt safe and knew he could trust his crazy lover to be truthful and protect him when he needed help. Not that he would ever admit when he needed help, of course. After a moment, he continued. “Did you... mean what you said? About nothing keeping us apart?” 

Now it was Hidan’s turn to squirm shyly. “Yeah, course I meant it. If being buried alive without a body in a spike pit guarded by murder deer couldn’t keep me from getting back to you, I don’t know what could. Why do you think I brought your ass back to life? Shit, I loved you long before then. I tried to tell ya that day, but you’re pretty dense, you know?” 

Kakuzu gave him a gentle squeeze of appreciation. He thought back to the day of his revival, recalling the rambling speech Hidan had given as he was regaining consciousness. The whole experience was far too overwhelming and dizzying. “So, that’s what you were getting at. You didn’t exactly make it clear. Not to mention, my mental capacity wasn’t fully recovered at the time.” 

“Yeah yeah, blame it all on me. Least I tried.” He nibbled at his collar bone. “Back to what just happened, you know I’m still Jashinist, right?” 

He chuckled quietly. “Yes, I’m aware. It was satisfying while it lasted.” 

He nudged him softly. “Kuzu... look, I really appreciate your acceptance. I know you’ll never agree with my faith, and I’ll never agree with your perspective on money, but I’m glad we can look past all that and, you know... see each other for who we are. Who we really are. I’ve... I've never let anyone in as deep as you.” 

“I should hope not.” He kissed Hidan’s forehead. “I’m glad too. Your stubbornness turned out quite well for both of us in the end.” 

“Heh, yeah. Maybe keep that in mind next time you criticize me for being stubborn. But listen, I’m not finished yet. Years ago, the only thing I had worth living for was serving Jashin. My village fucking hated me even before I snapped and slaughtered a bunch of them. They thought I was cursed, and even accused me of killing out an entire clan I found dead when I was still just a dumb kid. I never had anyone who stuck with me through everything. I didn’t even have someone who could stand talking to me for more than five minutes. When I got stuck with you, I assumed it’d be hell. But to be completely honest, the only reason I joined the Akatsuki in the first place was because I was curious about you. And even after all the awful shit we’ve been through together, that was the best decision of my life. Before you, I thought love was some made up bullshit propaganda that was pitched to culturally manipulate people. But I really do feel it for you. I’m sorry I haven’t always been able to say that clearly. I love you more than Jashin... I’ll always put you first.” He placed a hand on Kakuzu’s cheek, softly running his thumb along the stitches. 

Kakuzu continued to stare into his eyes, growing mute. His voice ran away like a scared mouse. A spark of insecurity scratched and tore its way into his heart and eventually, a small trace reached his eyes too. He didn’t know what he’d done to deserve this devotion, this love… He couldn't help but wonder how long Hidan would continue to feel that way. He was a gluttonous asshole with anger management issues. Who would want to spend their life with that?

Hidan seemed to pick up immediately on the uncertainty. He pressed a soft kiss to his lips. He spoke softly, but firmly. “Kuzu, I can’t believe you still get so insecure sometimes. You know damn well I don’t talk out my ass, I meant what I said. C’mon, have you seen yourself? You’re fuckin’ amazing! You’re caring, strong, and incredibly handsome. Trust me, the curse just adds to showing off your pretty face, doesn’t take anything away. Also, who else can detach their leg and fucking punt people across the field like a golf ball with it? And do you realize how rare and awesome it is that you achieved your own form of immortality?” 

Kakuzu gently grabbed the back of Hidan’s head and pressed his face closer to his neck, breaking eye contact as he grew bashful. He definitely didn't want Hidan to see him blush. “I wasn’t aware that immortality came with the forbidden jutsu when I took my revenge. It was alarming at first when my body started ripping out people’s organs to replace my damaged ones.” 

“Well, I’m glad immortality was a bonus then. Meant I was able to meet you. You’re real sweet, know that? Wish I could’ve met you back then. Probably would’ve been good for young Kakuzu to have a reliable organ donor around all the time.” 

Kakuzu shook his head slightly. “You wouldn’t have liked me back then. I was a far more broken man.”

“Nothing wrong with broken, Kuzu. I definitely would have still liked you back then. And stuck with you too, because you know I’m a stubborn asshole.” 

Kakuzu was quiet for a few moments before he spoke again. “Thank you, Hidan. I believe you.” 

Hidan let out a happy little sigh, pressing another kiss to his neck. “No problem, Kuzu. I love how deep our pillow talk gets. It’s almost as deep as that monster dick of yours gets.” 

Kakuzu let out an awkward little cough, blush deepening. “And the moment is over.” 

Hidan laughed. “No it isn’t! C’mon, I know just what’ll make this moment perfect. I already told you I love you more than Jashin. Sooo, tell me you love me more than money.”

“Hidan... this is ridiculous...” 

He let out another bright, beautiful laugh. “Aww you’re embarrassed, I understand! Come on, Kakuzu, you can do it! You’re a hardened veteran of many wars, you can handle a little piece of emotion! It’s not that scary, I promise!” 

Kakuzu sighed deeply. “I... I love you more than financial stability.” It felt a little silly to say, but oddly freeing at the same time.

Hidan untucked his head from the forced shift to again look him in the eyes. A serene smile had made its way to his lips. “Then we both love each other more than anything else in existence. And I promise you, that’s not going to change. Whatever piece of eternity I’ve got left, it’s all yours. We’ll raise hell together forever.” He kissed him again, slowly but deeply. 

Kakuzu kissed back, appreciative of the slower pace in their exhausted state. When the kiss broke, he gave a small smile. “You really are something else, you chaotic creature.” 

He hummed, sounding satisfied with himself. “Since you’re obviously into that, I’ll take it as the highest compliment.” 

Kakuzu slowly petted his head, a gentle confirmation. “Goodnight, Hidan.” 

He tucked back up against him, closed his eyes, and gave into the drowsiness tugging at his body and mind. “Night, Kuzu.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it, blasphemy to the highest degree~! I hope you enjoyed the wild ride. If you feel inspired, kudos are appreciated and comments are even better! I’d love to know what you liked, or your favorite part, or if this story might have made any tweaks to your KakuHida head cannon. Thanks for reading!


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